If my broccoli looked like this, I would not eat it.

If my broccoli looked like this, I would not eat it. (We would cuddle instead.)


Steamed* Broccoli

*You actually don’t need a steamer to steam broccoli. I’ve never owned one and I do it every day. I’m sorry you were bamboozled into purchasing one of those funny racks. Please accept this recipe, as well as my condolence.



a pot (not to piss in) or pan


anything you’d like to put on top of your broccoli to make it more palatable (you can also just plug your nose and choke it down; I find that works best with children under the age of five) 

1. Throw some water in the bottom of a pan. If you can figure out how to make this work, feel free to put it in the top, instead. A centimeter or two will do. If you’re in the UK, you know what I’m talking about 😉

Americans, I’m sorry, this is a secret language I have with the Brits. Maybe Google can help you.

2. Throw some broccoli in the pan.

3. Cook on low/medium/high heat (depending on how hungry you are). It cooks rather quickly. I’m not very picky about how much it gets cooked, but I’d prefer it softer than not. Keep checking under the lid until the broccoli is almost as done as you like. Then turn off the heat with the top on and let it steam the rest of the way. This is called making broccoli green. 😉 Or you can just keep it on the heat until it’s exactly how you want it…

*If your kitchen smells like farts, you might have done it a bit too long. The broccoli is still fine, but your kitchen won’t trust you to use the stove again for at least another week.

4. Open the lid

5. Take the broccoli out

6. Put it on a plate or in a dish. Whichever you prefer. You are the head chef in this recipe.

7. Add whatever you want. I like butter, olive or coconut oil (this being my first choice). Sea salt, pepper, garlic powder or fresh garlic.


Post-recipe game plan:

7 1/2. Eat the broccoli. (Blow on it first. I’m not McDonald’s, so don’t try to sue me for it being too hot).

8. Try to hold back on telling people your favorite food is this broccoli. If you can’t, there’s a good chance that they’ll find someone cooler for president of the ping pong league.