I should be eating kale right now…but instead I’m eating trail mix (and re-heating the same cup of coffee for about the third time today). Oh, the mid-day energy slump… Spare me, please. (Anybody?)
But let’s just pretend, for the sake of this article, I am indulging in one of my favorite new, self-taught recipes, and I just sat down with a nice steamy bowl of kale. So, although I’m not currently– Wait, sorry… Okay, I just switched over to eating kale. (Thanks for waiting)
So, although I am currently eating kale, I am still willing to provide you with this recipe, thus breaking the cardinal rule of all saints: do not eat and sit in front of your Macbook at the same time. I’m pretty sure that was the most important rule Jesus wrote on stone tablet. (He would have used an iPad but Steve Jobs was holding out on him until the official launch date… Okay, I’m done.)
The other day, while I was buying five-plus dollars’ worth of kale (If you don’t know, that’s a lot of kale. Too much, in fact, to fit nicely into my backpack, which I had brought to carry my groceries when I rode my bike to the store– Oops.) I had a nice little old lady ask me (I had to take out my headphones to answer her, and The National was playing, so I’m glad she asked such a great question…) “How do you cook that stuff?” and I was happy to oblige with an answer because just recently I had taught myself how to cook that stuff, and it was pretty damn good! (And even better: extremely easy.)
So what did I tell that cute little old lady with little old lady glasses about how to cook the kale? I told her this secret recipe that I will now share with you.
1. Get a bunch of kale.
2. Put it in your backpack and ride home on your bike.
(Make sure the kale doesn’t fall out, if your bag begins to flap open. Gravel is not part of this recipe.)
3. Let your dog out to pee (don’t make a fuss; it only excites him).
4. Get out a pot (The metal kind. The other kind is fine too, although it doesn’t figure into this recipe… unless you’re way more skilled in the culinary arts than me.)
5. Peel the kale leaves off the stems and put them into the pot (the metal one, stay with me).
6. You can rinse if you want, but I’m usually too lazy.
This may have disastrous effects years down the line. But that’s why I’m eating kale, to counteract all the washing of produce I don’t do.
7. Add water to the pan. I don’t care how much. Surprise me.
8. (If you like it, then you shouldda put a lid on it.)
9. Put it on stove top and heat until smoke-like water begins to form under the lid. This is called steam. This is called steaming kale. This will produce (you guessed it)= steamed kale.
10. When your kale is done enjoying sauna, drain it.
(Well, don’t be rude! Offer it a towel! Have you no common courtesy?)
11. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, olive or coconut oil, garlic. Any other spices beyond the basics are yours to experiment with but I cannot guarantee your results. (Note: cinnamon does not pair well with kale.)
12. Bon appetit.
I’m pretty sure this recipe has gotten me out of a loop of cravings, that is, when I was actually able to pry myself from the pull-n-peel Twizzlers long enough to prepare/consume it.
Little old lady in the vegetable isle, this one’s for you. Go with courage, dear woman, into great kale unknown.