So… Here’s one thing I love about people.
They are really fucking obvious.
For all their potential complexity, one thing is simple: Their actions.
There’s no such thing as having to “read between the lines”. There are no lines drawn in the imaginary sand. There are not really any lines because there’s not really any room for confusion.
People either do shit… Or they don’t*. That’s pretty much all you can know.
*One important piece of children’s literature attempted to change it all with the blasphemous assertion that “Everybody Poops”. This is not the same type of “shit” to which I refer.
You ever notice how girls are sort of crazy and guys are sort of… not? I think that’s mostly attributable to the fact that guys don’t spend hours overanalyzing every little tiny thing a girl does or does not do (at least, if the guy’s not on his period).
Guys generally tend to take things at face value. They are more action-oriented. They’re not so wrapped up in their own minds. To me, this is the downfall of the girl. For all her loveliness, she needs to stop thinking every little thing means something. It is what it is.
People do what they want to do. Anything you can tell yourself outside of that is simply a mental pacification to keep you from knowing the truth.
Guys are not thinking of a work meeting during sex. They’re not texting with their guy friends over every single talking point of a conversation they had with a girl the night before.
Does this mean guys experience less of life? No, in fact, perhaps they experience more. Assuming all the thinking they don’t do leads to them living more in the moment, I’d guess they might be a smidgen happier for their lack of crazy.
But who knows? I’m not a guy. The one thing I do know, as a girl is girls tend to over-think everything. And they’re not any happier for all their hours wasted wondering why a guy did or did not do this or that.
Here’s what I learned from my last relationship: a guy who cares, shows it in his actions. A guy who doesn’t, does not.
That is all you need to know. Honestly, why do we waste so much of our lives not only analyzing it all, but then fooling ourselves into believing it could be something that it honestly is not? Then we wonder why we got hurt. It’s because we were delusional. We actively deluded ourselves, and then we blame the other person for being deceitful.
The only deceit is whatever you told yourself that made you believe that person could possibly be good for you, when every indication of their action spoke otherwise.
You know what I learned about guys, girls? A guy who loves you will show up. You don’t have to play mind games. He’ll call, he’ll show up. He’ll make you a priority. You can’t trick anyone into making you a priority. They either do or they don’t.
And when they do, you’ll know. And when they don’t, you’re wise to know it then, as well.
The reason is always the same– regardless of the behavior. He did it because it was what he wanted to do. Or she didn’t do it because she didn’t want to.
That’s the only reason anyone has ever done anything, from the beginning of time. And I don’t imagine it will cease being true any time soon.
If you insist on living in a world where you analyze every specific angle of what went through their head, their motives, desires, dreams or goals, you can certainly go right ahead. Hell, you can even make a career out of it.
But for me, I’ve learned the simplest and (personally most effective) route of action is to simply take people at face value.
That means to me, that I operate with the understanding that each person has free will, and therefore, they do what it is they want to do.
I don’t attempt to coerce them into doing anything they don’t want to do, or to not doing anything they do. People will do what they want.
You are better to surround yourself with people whose wants align with yours in that given moment (it’s all you can ever base anything off of), than attempt to cull the heard manually by shaping people around your whims. Not only is that time-consuming, frustrating, and all-around not fun, it’s just kind of a pain in the ass and it makes you feel like shit.
(Wait, so what’s so bad with manipulating people again?)
You see, the thing is, people do only what is is that they want to do. And conversely, they don’t do what it is they don’t want to do. It really can’t be any more simple.
But the problem is, literally, it’s so simple we often don’t want to believe that’s the case.
Instead, we love making up stories in our heads which take us slightly askew of the truth, in order to avoid facing reality. I’d just like to point out that there are some cool little perks to facing reality: the first of which comes to mind is sanity.
So, if you feel compelled to ask why anyone did something, I will gladly disabuse you of any confusion once and for all:
Because they wanted to. (Or because they didn’t want to do what it is they did not do.)
Here, we can even do a test run:
Why did he cheat on me? Because he wanted to.
Why didn’t she call me back? Because she didn’t want to.
Insert your scenario here. The person did it… (All with me now) because they did or did not want to do it.
And that’s another great thing about it: it never actually has to do with you.
When people do things, and it doesn’t matter what on earth it is, the only reason they ever do it is because they do or do not want to. It truly IS not personal because it’s just about themselves.
Just as you only do what you want. And you avoid doing what you don’t want to do.
If someone is on the fence about something, then they do whatever it is they most want to do. Even if all things weighed seem almost entirely equal… They will in the end choose a course of action which will reflect their ever-so-slightly preferred option.
I’m not saying people don’t imagine that they’re conflicted. And hell, maybe they really are.
But that ultimately doesn’t matter– they do what they most want to do in that moment. And once they take action, they are no longer conflicted. There’s no debating reality. It either is, or it isn’t.
There is no try; only do.
And perhaps they will change their minds and go back and do the other thing, in which case at that time, that will be what they most wanted to do.
You cannot make anyone do anything. The best you can hope for is that someone chooses to do what you want. But that’s an inside job that you really shouldn’t concern yourself with, if you want to remain sane (and by that I mean happy).
So whatever part of your life you’ve wasted wishing for someone to do something or wondering why they didn’t, just stop and relax. No need to worry any more.
They didn’t do that thing you wanted because it wasn’t that important to them. And they will do it when it becomes important to them, if it ever does. Until then, it will remain unfinished and you can move on to doing what it is you want to do, and forgetting the bullshit you’ve been stewing over in your mind all this time wondering who, what, when, where, why about an insanely simple topic.
And you might think you want to do something, but if you don’t do it, your desire not to do it ever so slightly outweighed your desire to take action on it. That’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Just be clear with yourself that you did not actually want to do that thing you didn’t do.
Because to sit there and think or believe otherwise is simply the crux of insanity.
And personally, I think it’s an affront to your self respect. How stupid do you really think you are?
Sure, you wanted to run a marathon, get married, and have a great career. Or so you tell yourself as you cry into a margarita the size of your face on your fiftieth birthday and wonder where your life went wrong.
The truth looks more like this:
You wanted to be a marathon runner, but more than that you wanted to be a marathon watcher of Netflix.
You wanted to get married, but more than that you wanted to sleep with a lot of different people.
You wanted to have a great career, but more than that you wanted to not take a risk.
You didn’t want to get killed by a giant mammal in a tank, but more than that, you wanted to swim with an Orca. (This is the story version where you don’t even make it to your midlife crisis.)
Life has natural consequences. Consequences aren’t a bad thing and they aren’t meant as punishment. They are simply natural repercussions which come from living in a material world of yin and yang, action and reaction.
The only thing “will” is comprised of, is “want”. Free will is really free want. We have the freedom to choose what we want because we all have the freedom to make up our minds.
So don’t spend your life wondering about other people. There’s no need to wonder. It’s written on the wall.
You can spend your entire life talking about doing millions of different things (even conflicting ones), but you can only ever do one thing in this moment. That is your life. Life is not what you say, life is what you do.
That makes it pretty simple. People can only be assessed at what they have done. The only thing that is true is what is.
Everything else is an excuse; fear.
I don’t really care what you think or what you say. You show me where your heart is with actions. That’s the only way it can be. Actions comprise character. Thoughts and words are varied day by day, and often incongruent. I don’t bother with those so much anymore.
Actions don’t just speak louder than words; they are the only thing with a voice.
Unless of course, you want to drive yourself mad.
Then go right ahead and listen to all the voices. 😉