Now I have to pee again.
Plus I still probably have cold coffee in the microwave.
Actually, for you coffee connoisseurs I recently learned that telling someone you microwave your coffee can be like entering a political discussion-arena. It can be like, THAT big of a deal. Like nails-on-a-chalkboard-type thing. So. Pretend I didn’t say that if it offends.
But yeah. Cold coffee plus some shit just went down outside my window that sounded like they were filming the 1,000th Fast And The Furious out there. I was rubbernecking from my bedroom window and I was sitting in the dark, and I went to look for my dog, and he was in the window next to mine, doing the same thing. And it was a really heart-warming moment, in which I realized, all of my quirks, really ARE genetically passed down unto him.
Wow. I’m genuinely happy and excited to be back here writing and the fucking WEIRDEST part of it all, I have to say, is that it was totally and completely unexpected. I literally just on a whim somehow… Actually, I’ll tell you the story, because what else is this thing for?
But first let me pee, also get my coffee, also charge my phone, also get some water…
Wait still didn’t do it. Hold on.
When I’m painting, this doesn’t happen. But when I’m writing or reading, I swear. It’s like, 90% of the time is spent just creating the perfect atmosphere of peeing, whilst still being hydrated, my dog being let out and behaving himself in the yard (as long as I can’t hear him, I call it “behave”), having brushed my teeth within the last 24 hours, somewhat showered (okay I won’t push it, I can eliminate that). You know, it’s like, you have to be comfortable. Right ambient temperature; enough natural light. Preferably out in the sun, except then sometimes you get too hot and your computer heats up, so then you move into the shade, unless the wind starts going and then you’re chilled. It’s a very delicate balance!
Tonight, I have the best of all worlds because it’s like 10:00 now and I can have my windows open whilst still being inside and that for me is just sick because I LEAD an indoor/outdoor lifestyle, which is why I basically am required to live in California (Malibu, specifically) BUT for now, I won’t go into that because I have much more prescient matters to parlay.
Most specifically… I don’t exactly know. Oh holy jesus there are so many things. Okay, firstly, I just signed in here for the first time in a really long time like since I ever stopped doing my blog and I just have to say, thank you for the 900 people or so who are still somehow subscribed or signed in or whatever the fuck you are, because I don’t know anything about the way this thing works, but I appreciate it dearly. Thank you. That is so cool and that is a huge reason why I always loved this format, because there’s that instant gratification of posting something and feeling like Christmas morning because you feel connected with other people and that’s my favorite feeling in the world, so thank you, thank you, thank you.
Secondly. Clint, I do remember you from the dog park and it’s easier for me to write it here than in another email HAHA since I’m already here. Thank you for your email that was super sweet and I appreciate it ALOT. I’m glad your girl is doing well, too! DOGS ARE THE MAGIC OF LIFE. Hope you’re enjoying Nashville. I’m set on Malibu these days because I’ve become honest with myself that 50’s are winter weather, and I’m okay with that.
I hope we meet again! And thank you, so much, for reading this. And maybe I’ll still email you but it was easier for me typing it here.
Thirdly, I mean, you can find infinite number of reasons for anything, or none at all, but well… I don’t know if I’ll enumerate, or even try, WHY I’m back here because I don’t know if you can. The one thing I will say is, in some ways, I’m crazier, and in some ways, I’m more sane. Oh yeah, now I remember what I was going to say.
Okay. So. Oh man there is SO FUCKING MUCH HERE TO WRITE ON. HOLY JESUS. WOW. I hope you are okay with catching up on some reading because every time I remember, I just get overwhelmed with all I am wanting to convey. Which is saying a lot for me, by the way, because I type like a motherfucker and everyone who’s ever texted with me knows that if you see 101 messages on your little message app thing, you know it’s me. I can’t express to you the number of people individually who have expressed that to me. Also, that I often type so fast that they just want to give up on responding. There’s probably a good 20 people, who, in hindsight, would have petitioned me taking that filler typing class senior year (I, however, loved it because it was an easy A and basically that entire year was an academic waste– which is right up my alley) so anyway, TYPING CLASSES FOR LYFE.
Don’t ask me why. Don’t ask me why. I just had to write it like that.
Okay. So. Oh yeah. Alright. Oh man, I genuinely don’t know where to begin.
You know how when you’re wanting to type a story, (well maybe you don’t). You know how when you’re wanting to say a story, and you could start here, but then you could start a week before here, and that would still tie in? Like, there’s so many events that all led up to it that you don’t even know where you start? You could basically start at your BIRTH because it’s just this one chain of events that brought it all together?
Okay well PARTLY why I’m happy to be doing this is that it gives everyone in my life a break. But that’s really not why.
I’ll start from right now and work my way back. So a little while ago, I was emailing with this friend to whom I’d sent my book, and he’s been emailing me for the last ten or eleven days or so, on and off since I sent it to him, and he’s totally just giving me this awesome feedback, just really positive response. And
(I just have to tell you my neighbor is spending this week away dog sitting and she’s going to be so pissed she missed the FATF (I have never even seen one of these movies and here I am, fucking acronymming it) outside the window. It’s super dramatic. I’m trying to concentrate on this writing but like… none of you people are outside my window yelling. Sorry. I have priorities.)
Alright for real back to whatever I was saying. Oh yeah. So my friend’s response to what he was reading, was really positive and it was really incredible. And I think anyone who makes anything or has made anything knows, it’s genuinely not a feeling of ego if someone responds to what you’ve written; it’s genuinely a feeling of like, damn that’s really fucking cool. If anyone, if even one person, because it really all boils down to just one person, ever, if one person resonates with it, that’s pretty weird! And cool. It’s like, just a way of feeling how we are all somehow connected by mind, even though we appear to be living these often really different lives.
So his response was just incredibly inspiring to me. And it called to mind all the other times people have responded to my work. And again, none of that is bragging AT ALL. At all. Hopefully that’s apparently obvious. But anytime anyone responds to something you’ve made in a way that you can tell somehow a chord was struck between the two of you, it’s a really life-giving, positive, and satisfying thing. And even just people commenting on the blog, or my professors or teachers along the years, and people reading anything I wrote and saying they felt resonance, to me, has always been one of the most… it feels like you kind of have a purpose and you somehow fit in somewhere, and not looking for validation outside of yourself, but somehow WITHIN the validating of yourself, other people maybe find some of that, within themselves too.
Am I making any sense?
So he kept sending me these emails like “Oh here’s a quote I loved this quote!” from the book and I’m like, I kept saying to myself, “Jesus fucking christ I am NOT starting writing again. I am NOT writing another book. I am fucking NOT writing another book. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME EVEN WITH ALL THE NICE WORDS IN THE WORLD I’M NOT DOING IT.”
Finally I responded to his last email tonight and I had been doing some journaling and I felt really open and I basically said, “Look, thank you for your kind words. I actually really appreciate them…”
(You know how sometimes, someone can say something REALLY nice that you really like but you aren’t in the place to like, respond to it? Sometimes I feel that when someone says something that really hits a chord with me, it almost feels more honest and more pure, to not say anything at all. And then maybe say something eventually, but sometimes it feels like you ruin the moment if you feel the need to instantaneously reply. Also, when he was saying these things I was both really thrilled and also like, I’m not going to start writing again JUST because other people may enjoy it. But on the other hand, I was feeling like, Yeah but I enjoy it and if other people enjoy it, that’s a fucking really good feeling so… Basically, he was unearthing questions within ME that I wasn’t quite ready to answer to, so it took me a minute to respond.)
And, “I’m not sure if I’m going to write. I’ve been into painting lately and blah de blah de blah. And on a whim, (which is exactly how I sent he and his partner my book a couple of weeks back) I sent him a link here. I was like, “If you like my writing, here’s a link to my old blog, you may still be able to read it.” So while I was sending that to him, I happened to go on here, just to see if it still existed, and it did. So then I clicked an article, I clicked around a few, and I have to tell you, I was absolutely fucking blown the fuck away.
Okay I’m going to finish this in Part 3. Or 4.