I Don’t Mean To Brag But

(That’s me and a Muppet. ^^^)

I am a really good actor.

Like, really good.

I should just make an Acting category on my blog now but I won’t. I’ll save it for my Oscar pics.

Today I am going to show you how to method-act your way through coffee.

Drinking a cup of coffee, specifically.

Firstly, I am going to address with you, fashion.

If you want to be believable, you must be wearing some coffee-drinking garb, like so ^.

Leopard print pants in shades of blue show you are serious, yet somberly dedicated to the task. A Christmas mug in May shows you are never off duty and a literary “jumper” as some of you might say (I call it a sweatshirt, and when people call it a sweater it really throws me of my mental game), but I digress. A literary sweatshirt shows that you are smart.

Always.

That’s just what it means.

They check your MENSA before they will finish the sale.

(For me, MENSA stands for i-MENSA-talent-in-acting, but it’s likely not the same thing for you)

It’s days like today where I’m glad I’m taking a breather from Botox, because honestly, it prevents me from doing my job. My job is teaching acting to YOU. YOU are a dedicated student of my blog, because, on some level, you KNEW I was a world-famous actress, and you wanted to learn my skill. And even though I beat around the bush for the last four years, and never even said a word about it, like a constipated warrior, you knew. You knew your time was coming. You knew.

So listen. Look. My job isn’t to stand here and look pretty. (I’m actually sitting down.) My job is to teach you this glorious craft.

So without further ado, here it is in a nutshell.

THIS is how I won my Oscar back in ’77 for “Girl In A Coffee-Drinking Cafe”. (Directed by Martin Scorsese, you’ve probably seen it.)

As you can see, I have an ability to express a range of emotion that largely surpasses the human limit, and that is why I am a great. (That and I eat vanilla Oreo’s for breakfast with salt. They say it takes a village; Nabisco, here’s to you.)

There’s really nothing more to acting than that.

People will try to tell you it takes “talent” and it takes “skill”. No.

All it takes is a forehead with wrinkles, and the ability to not be totally, completely, and irrevocably pissed off that your coffee cup doesn’t ACTUALLY have any coffee.

All it takes is KNOWING THE RAINBOWIC SPECTRUM OF HUMAN EMOTIONS AND DEVOTING YOUR EVERY MOMENT OF THINKING BREATHING AND LIFE ON THIS PLANET, TO THEM.

ALL IT TAKES IT BECOMING THE CHARACTER SO FULLY, YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME OF YOUR CATS.

IT’S A VERY CASUAL THING.

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Tools of the trade– You will be amazed to see that there was NOTHING IN THIS CUP.

That, ladies and gentlement (I just like adding the t) ^^^, is what a great actor can do.

People think it’s so easy and that we make hundreds of millions of dollars just for looking really incredibly good and traveling around the world and giving a couple of interviews. But the METHOD of acting; the ART of acting, is really about so much more.

If you want to be a mediocre actor, you’re going to have to have coffee in your cup.

If you want to be a GREAT one, you just don’t need it.

You’ve perfected the skill of your emotion, of your passion, of your own imagination. The world is simply a place in which you play. EVERYTHING BECOMES AN EXPRESSION OF THIS DEEPLY MAGICAL ART WHICH SHAKESPEARE CALLED, “THE-A-TRE” AND “A BEAST WITH TWO BACKS”.

Until you have reached that level, I suggest you leave it to the pro’s.

Otherwise, somebody may get hurt.

ACTING is not a talent, but a lifestylic-decision. It is not a decision, but a choice. It is not a choice, but a calling. It is not a calling, but a card. You get the picture.

Only a few are called and very few pick up the phone. And out of the few who pick up the phone, only fewer speak the language. And of the people who speak the language, only fewer speak the dialect.

I hope you understand.

I think I have made myself clear.

If you can’t act, get out of the kitchen.

(I am in the kitchen now, if you see the metaphor for that.)

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I always pee with my Oscar.

And I never wash my hands.

It prevents Oscar-theft (the hand washing is just something I added as an extra bit of security), which is a very common, very real thing.

When you win an Oscar, they give you an optional course-study, in which they recommend this practice. Apparently 98% of all Oscars are stolen while their parents are in the bathroom.

(The things you learn when you become a success!!!)

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