There really are no words.
I don’t know how to say it and I don’t know how to put it into words.
Oh firstly here is how my hair turned out.
In that last one I had to make sure it was just that I had a dirty mirror and not a dirty shirt.
Anyway. I’m really happy with that but that’s like so old news I took those pictures hours before I just am only having time now to post.
So I went to my friend’s shower and I was like perfectly on time (for me, it was perfect) and I showed up and… Firstly, okay, let me just say I was excited to go. I mean, I don’t really get excited for things until they occur, but I was envisioning positively. But firstly, I took forever getting there because today the weather was PICTURE PERFECT and I love being outside so much that I didn’t want to go and sit somewhere inside. I figured I’d probably be like, “Okay, I’m leaving now………” just to get back outdoors.
I am happy to say… I can’t actually say the words but let me say, I was wereong. Or something like that.
No really though it was OUTDOORS under a beautiful white tent so that was my first wish come true– I got to spend all day outdoors.
I had NO Idea this was going to occur. But second. I showed up and this fucking amazed me; this fucking BLEW me away. I show up and my friend JESS PHILLIPS is there who I haven’t seen in a year and a half, and before that, SO fucking long. And I had JUST had a dream about her and this girl named Marie sometime last week. And it was kind of one of those things there, I’m not on social media, I’m really bad with keeping up with people. I think of people all the time with love, but I kind of tend to just keep to the people who are physically within my life, in terms of keeping up with people. It’s not ever any lack of love; I just follow the path of least resistance and I’ve always kind of been like that.
So I see Jess, who I’ve known and been friends with since seventh grade (same as the girl whose shower it was) and then I see the ONE girl I expected to see there, who was also awesome. I only figured I’d know like, one person there. Then I see my friend named Justine, who I’ve known since FIFTH grade, and who I also had NO IDEA was going to be there and I probably haven’t seen her since some Phish show on lot in like 8 years.
Then I’m freaking out over seeing Jess and she tells me Marie is on her way. By the way, Jess has lived down south the last basically ten years, Marie has lived in Philly and New York, and Justine is now in Key West. So these people are like, traveling around and all this shit, I genuinely kind of never thought I’d ever see them again unless our paths randomly happened to meet. I thought it was cool and random Kelsey even invited me to her wedding because I love her so much but as I said I haven’t been the best at keeping in touch.
Plus my friend Mia, who I have kept in touch with to some degree from seeing her at hot yoga several years back, was also there.
Jess tells me Marie is coming, which really freaking blows my mind because as I said, I had a dream with both of them in it last week. And also, okay Jess is friends with one of my oldest friends Jackie, who also got married just a few weeks ago, and Jess is showing me pictures of Jackie’s wedding, which, out of everyone I have ever known, Jackie is one of the very few people whose wedding pictures could actually get me to be choking up, and I asked Jess to send me the link to Jackie’s wedding website thing from the photographer because I want to look at them more.
When I’m sober. Which is happening soon…
I basically am; it’s just the day drinking that’s getting to me because I am such a lightweight to begin with, let alone middle of the day. But I had so much fun I can never complain about that. I’m feeling really good now.
So Jess is showing me pictures and I am beside myself with joy, plus seeing Kelsey and her sister. Plus seeing their mom, and Jess’ mom. Plus seeing this girl I had never met before but who is super sweet.
So THEN FUCKING MARIE shows up. And let me tell you. There is no way to describe Marie. I have always said this about Marie and I’d say this about any of the people I just named, but honestly there’s just something about Marie that ANYONE who has ever met Marie will agree with me on, she is just completely one of a kind and herself and SO ridiculous you cannot help but love Marie and you have never met anyone anyone anyone in the world who is quite like Marie. I never thought that I would see her again, but I honestly always had such a deep place of love in my heart for her, always. I even wrote a blog post about her and a compliment she gave me (my Kanye is coming out) I will link it to you here.
But she has been someone who has, even though we have never spent honestly a whole lot of time together in terms of via comparison (I’m stealing that from another old friend) other people, she has always been someone who I resonated with on a really soul level, and like, she just totally… I don’t know how to explain it, there is no way to explain it, but she has always been magical to me and there’s something about her that my soul really loves. IT SOUNDS CHEESE as FUCK but it’s true. I can’t explain it but I am just so in love with Marie. Probably a piece of everyone who’s ever known her is.
So Marie shows up with fucking Veuve Clicquot; which, I happen to know that I adore from my cousin’s house at one Christmas party when I fell in love (with it, and also with being so drunk and KNOWING I wanted to have a baby, like STAT). And…
SO Marie is just always going to be NYC Audrey Hepburn to me for life. I just love her so much and the ENTIRE party was amazing. Being outside drinking champagne and pink wine with my friends under a white tent in June on a sunny day having fun, like, it doesn’t get any fucking better than that.
I came home and I was just telling my neighbor, you know…
I am a very loner person. I LOVE people but I often prefer to be on my own. I just have a head full of these imagination and dreams and I enjoy being by myself and off in my own world. There’s very few people in the world who can flow in and out with me like that and always kind of feel like they belong. And I appreciate and enjoy that about myself.
That being said, and I think BECAUSE of that precisely, it really blew me away seeing all of these girls today. And feeling like… kind of being reminded of some part of my past, that was a pretty big part of my past, especially since I never went away to school. I still made friends in college, but when you are commuting, it isn’t the same. Plus I always had a solid boyfriend who was my main thing, always. I feel like when people go away to college, a lot of times their college friends outweigh their high school ones, but because I never did that, those people I went to high school with, kind of always were the last of the clique in my mind.
And also… I think the craziest thing for me of all, was having this complete intersection of my life then and my life now. There is something indescribable to me, and I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like it, but you kind of can’t if you’re staying caught up with people all along.
But to somehow have this coalescence of your past and the life you are living now, where these people KNOW you and they GET you on some very deep levels, they watched you growing up, and somehow, you can fall right back into place and fall right back into being yourself, and it’s also the self that they know, and at the same time, you’re on a totally different tangent from now to where you were then. It’s amazing, in a way, to see that I AM the same person, exactly the same person, completely at my core, and also, I’m so different in so many ways, but ultimately, deep down, I am the same.
I am the same in the way you’re the same from day one until the day that you die, and I’m different in the way that you travel the country, and move through state to state. But you’re still in the same car.
It’s crazy when you’re talking with people and they can be mentioning things up from the last ten to fifteen years, and it is pertaining to you. And you could never even have remembered it, were it not for them bringing it up.
People who know you as if it’s in a dream. I don’t think I could feel that way if I talked to them often, and I love the fact that I’m so free, in a way, from any restraint of maintaining any friendship in the external realm, because I’m more content with living my own life. However. Today it reminded me just how intrinsic some of our relationships are. I truly feel now that for the rest of my life, if I didn’t already know it, these people are my friends. I had never given it any thought before, but knowing it now, I feel so appreciative and so blessed that I have these people in my life, if even from afar.
It was amazing to have this feeling of… yes. We do share a past. But also feeling as if they resonate with and understand me and who I am now, and into the future. All of this may sound really, incredibly weird, and I don’t mind if it does. It isn’t really about them at all; it’s about me. And it’s about me feeling SO happy and blessed (I’ll stop using that word now, I swear) that I’m still the same me and I’m still the same person who always I am, and I can still be THAT person, and also be everything that I still want to be.
I’m not saying that ANY of this matters. I’m just saying, that to me I had the experience that it does. I went into that with some preconceived notions and some certain ideas, and some things I was going to say, and instead I was blown away by feeling my own honesty coming forth from within me because I was opening up on some level to people who genuinely loved me and had an interest and wanted to know. And met me where I was. It was something I never, ever expected. It felt to me like those friendships were deeper all along than for which I had ever given them credit, and that was an amazing thing for me to behold.
Here is Marie.
She’s so amazing and this picture will never do her justice in any way but here she is and I love her and I think she is amazing in so many ways.
I’m still maybe SLIGHTLY feeling the effects of the fermented grapes I slugged down today HOWEVER I will edit this after I shave my neighbors head and get some McDonald’s food. OH ALSO I HAD THE BEST MINI CUPCAKE EVER OF MY LIFE TODAY TOO I’LL HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THAT IN A LITTLE BIT.