Fun

I’m Sorry, The Old Blue Can’t Come To The Phone Right Now

Why?

Oh.

Because he’s ASLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s My Butthole I can Cry If I Want To

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KEEP IT ON THE SPECIAL BLANKET!!!!!!!!!! THE SPECIAL BLANKET FOR BUTTHOLES.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Priorities.

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Okay so I counted and I actually maybe did send exactly fifty messages since her last one… So maybe everybody else just didn’t hit send on THEIR fifty.

Probably.

Cashews Amidst Some Boring Boats

You really gotta dig for the important things in life.

(I’m actually not really a nut person but I’ll be anything for a good pissing.)

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Merrily On Our Way To NoWHERE At All!

But My Dear Ratty!

THIS IS MY CAHRHEAAR!

(Click the link to watch this directly on YouTube) πŸ™‚

J. Thaddeus Toad

GAD! ITS A MOTAH CAH

(Click the thing that says to watch it directly on YouTube πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ )

My all time favorite character in life.

Just Another Glorious Day!!!

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This One Never Gets Old!!!!!

“Well this one’s a HANDSOME statue!”

I’m Just About To Give My Nephew Brad here A bath

A sailboat, for the rubber duckie to play with!

Brad, do you like swans?

These Are Two of my ALL TIME FAVES

I LOVE BERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❀ And Ernie and Bert!!! And Count!!!!!

You Know You’re Genius When

you realize cutting the superfluous strings on your decade-old bathrobe that continue falling into the toilet while you pee, is a legitimate solution.

I will now not have to throw it in the wash or pretend I didn’t see that for the next ten years of my life. πŸ™‚

THAT’S MY TEN YEAR PLAN.

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By the way, I did pee on a penny tonight by accident so I think that that is especially lucky. Yes I brought it home.

Oscar Winner (thank you)

I’m METHOD-ACTING knowing the words.

I’m the Pacino of Ellie Goulding lyrics.

whatever

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WHY DOES NOBODY TAKE ME SERIOUSLY

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I’m a sexy hot kitchen dancer, dammit!

If I had a dollar for every good dance move I did…

Wait a minute………..

Speaking of BABIES

this one is so freaking cute

this is my favorite part of Perez… his family home videos with his kids (and his mom)!!!!!

The sparkly bow tie pasta. Don’t even get me started.

Get Yourself A Friend Who Understands Levels of Baby ADORABLENESS

and ditch the old ones.

They aren’t worth your time.

Now holding open auditions for Shanes…

Anyone named Shane who disgustingly raves over pics of babies I send them, can apply.

Β To the left, to the left…

My Idea Of Romance

is someone who watches your kids while you SLEEP and changes diapers…

and this is pretty sweet too.

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❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ VERY CUTE, PEOPLE. VERY CUTE.

As you can tell, Shane just won’t shut up…

It’s hard to get a word in edge-wise with him. I don’t know why I stand it.

Without Her, I’d talk to myself even more

It helps that she has the same first name…

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The thing is, that thing moves with his hair in the rain. It’s really worth a “loreal” search in GIFs. It’s pretty worthwhile.

We’ll show you our fishing stuff when we come home from catching some whales to put in our backyard canal as best friends forever. ❀ Wish me luck.

Gwyneth Knows How

She inspires me in never-ending ways.

I almost categorized this under “Art & Design” but…

I’ll do a bushing-reveal party on social media soon. It’s like a gender-reveal party only cooler.

More of an instant-gratification thing.

Just Got A check In The mAIL

It was unexpected!!! Well I mean, I’m always expecting a shit ton of money to come to me. But this one I didn’t know was coming. So that’s always cool.

And cut my shorts so that they are so comfortable– with my fishing scissors my dad gave me. I’ll have to show you my tackle box and fishing things he got me later.

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One of my favorite feelings in the WORLD is taking a sharp pair of scissors through some denim cloth. FUCKKKKKK yeah. It’s like a cigarette, if I could smoke. Like if I was able to enjoy smoking, I think that’s what it would be like.

I’m really proud of my fishing things so I really will show you later. They are some of my favorite things I have ever received.

MORE ASMR VIA BLUE

his bone-suctioning-sounds lulled millions of people all over the globe last evening, to sleep. And back by popular demand, are a two-part series of videos from the much-anticipated series, “EATING KETTLE POPCORN IN BED”, starring my one and only dog, Blue.

It’s a trending world-wide phenomena, called, BL-ASMR.

In contrast to the high-quality audio-only entry of last night, today consists of two VISUAL MOVEMENTS INCLUDED WITH SOUNDS.

Please feast yourself visually AND aurally, on the masterpiece that is Blue.

The first one is a video I took of him eating popcorn, which is focused upon the drool spot I noticed had formed on his leg (from watching me eat popcorn, too).

In trying to make this the most ULTIMATELY relaxing experience, I also included a little musical piece from JAWS.

his all-time favorite food is corn. corn in any format.

he is an equal-opportunity en-corner.

(???)

THIS DOG

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She knows him too well.

He Likes His Conditioning Massages

With oatmeal (I’m inserting a rolling eye emoji here)

It’s the level of service he expects.

From That One Time We Had An Emoji War

My Parents really missed their calling

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As weathermen

although my mom once famously said to my dad, “It’s really coming out down there.”

MEANING to comment on the rain…

Also my mom insists on calling Jenny “Jennie” in all of her texts.

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I Had The Most Incredible Amazing Dream

last night and… Maybe I’ll tell you about it later? It was a little crazy in a really good way… As my friends always make fun of me for, yes it did have to do with a celebrity. (I’m rolling my eyes at myself. But it was worth it.)

Also I wear the same thing a million times in a row so this is actually me today too….. Blue and Cheshire cat. He is always right next to me when I am on here. (Or he’s out in the yard). He’s always sometimes right next to me. Alright wheewwww crazy dream which led me into this like twilight idea of today which is really good and I’m heading out to do some things but I just wanted to post this picture because it was really cute and also a couple other things real quick.

You guys are probably going to make fun of me for this (rightfully so)…….

Okay I’ll tell you in a minute.

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Magical Meaning: Opposable Thumbs

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Consolation Eclipse

I Have To Show You This

I was laughing so hard.

I didn’t know I was that habitual.

This may make you men consider wrapping up your you know, before accidentally creating a piss-taker like me.

***I meant to say “way” as in, “see my way out the door”— six hours later after this conversation, screen shooting AND posting this, I finally notice. Maybe I was, in fact, blind.

(In reference to, number 1/20 of Solar Eclipse ocular health warning texts)

My dad was the official article-finder for eye damage of the eclipse. The site librarian.

HE HAS REFERENCES.

I love him so much. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Sitting Here Editing–

he LITERALLY just stole the pillow from under my head.

Genuinely do not even know how he did it. I just felt it moving from under my head, looked back, and then had to take this pic.

BLUE WHAT THE HECK WHERE YOU COME FROM FOOOOOOOO

This Is Kelsey and Trish(a)

Trisha looks gorgeous at her baby shower. I hope someday I meet Trisha (again) and her baby (he’s not yet born, so that would be the first) and have the honor of giving them a really nice gift!!!

I think she chose the name Xavier, which is one of my all-time favorite names.

If you are friends with my sister, I just pretend that you’re my friend. Even if I’ve met you for two seconds half a year ago.

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Kelsey will kill me for posting this, but Kelsey rarely is reading this blog. Maybe that will teach her a lesson not to let too much time go by before fan-girling her sis. I hope having a baby makes me look this cool someday and comes with a crown (I’m not kidding).

Sorry. It’s a tiara. (Is it Tiar or Tiara?)

The people at work call it a Tiar; if you’re family, you call it a Tiara.

Thanks for letting me know.

Knowing Kelsey, she’d probably rather me post a picture of her noodie that she thinks she looks good in, than one like this where she doesn’t. Although I think she looks pretty and adorable and sweeeeet!!! Unfortunately for her, I don’t think she got noodie at the shower for the baby. If you did, please send me pics and I will edit this one out.

❀ ❀ ❀ love this picture of these ladies so much!

It makes my heart go whoop! ❀ ❀ ❀

Whenever Kelsey Sends Me Noodie Pics

I have this joke where I finger-paint edit out like ONLY her privates, like REALLY specifically, like ONLY the nip, and a very thin landing strip, in rainbow of colors and then deem them acceptable for family-text-group use.

And she keeps thinking I’m not funny.

We kind of like sending the pics back and forth and all it does it prove to me how much we look like hairless monkeys. It’s my idea of family comedy time.

Bibbidi Bobbidy Boo!!!!

It’ll do magic, believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The thingamabob that does the job…….

BIBBIDY BOBBIDY BOOOOOO!

“JUST a wave of my stick and to finish the trick” πŸ™‚ ❀

Don’t I look DARLING

Madame Leota’s my fave… so now you’ve got me going on New Orleans!!!!

 

Asshats Unite

I watched him set his tennis ball there.

Last One For The Day!!!!!!!

Emily Stewart On Pets and Andy Warhol Design

I’m Not Doing These in Particular Order :)

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Emily Stewart on Crockpot Colors

A Live-In Driver Named Sal

Emily Stewart again

Emily Stewart

Laundry Pt. 2

So in my last podcast/recording

I got talking about these videos which you might like, and I wanted to post these before I did anything else, then I’m going to finish recording the podcast and then I’ll post that, so here they are πŸ™‚

I’m listening to my last recording

And it’s the part where I’m telling Blue, “Gigi’s home” and he’s sitting on my bed with me now, and now he’s confused about the fact that… I’m apparently telling him that “Gigi’s home” and he’s looking at me like, why is this getting replayed in my life?

Now it’s at the part where we are playing ball in the yard and he’s looking at me like, Why is someone saying these things to me when I am laying on the bed? What kind of bullshkit are you listening to?