Because he’s ASLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
up my ass
❤ my heart in my throat over how much I love him. It’s like an invisible string is always connecting us. I feel like our energies are so connected he is actually a part of me.
But then he like does some asshole move and I’m going to kill him and all the flowery shit goes out the window.
UNCONDITINL LOV YALLLLLLL
It’s how you know I’m a “real” mom.
Over this thing.
My publicist can hardly keep up.
This is ASMR sounds of Blue chewing his bone. The suction noise he was making from the other room I didn’t recognize and I was like WTF IS HE DOING so I sat up and he was right outside my room, chewing his bone (from his GRANPA).
I had to be very sneaky in this recording because if he knows he’s being watched, he usually ceases whatever he is doing, unless I agree to give him 10% of the cut.
This is Blue’s FIRST podcast. Titled, “Suction On A Bone, Inept.”
It will be showing at galleries across New York this Spring.
Karl Lagerfeld is to host.
last night and… Maybe I’ll tell you about it later? It was a little crazy in a really good way… As my friends always make fun of me for, yes it did have to do with a celebrity. (I’m rolling my eyes at myself. But it was worth it.)
Also I wear the same thing a million times in a row so this is actually me today too….. Blue and Cheshire cat. He is always right next to me when I am on here. (Or he’s out in the yard). He’s always sometimes right next to me. Alright wheewwww crazy dream which led me into this like twilight idea of today which is really good and I’m heading out to do some things but I just wanted to post this picture because it was really cute and also a couple other things real quick.
You guys are probably going to make fun of me for this (rightfully so)…….
Okay I’ll tell you in a minute.
and not in a good way but i don’t want to dirty an actual sweater or another shirt but it’s getting kind of colder out so i’m putting this jacket on and hoping it doesn’t touch my armpits.
also we live across the street from a rainforest
i am conceited about my dog
he’s always right by me. he’s the best dog in the world.
he’s like attached to me by an invisible cord made out of unicorn dust and kurt cobain’s chest fur
i’m actually not kidding; i never said that before but i think i nailed it
and he’s so fucking disgustingly adorably cute i want to mainline him intravenous.
i just want to smother myself all over him
the trees are cool too
so many things have happened since then
i put a hole in my belt
blue found a snake
shane found the receipt for my mcdonalds on the back of the note and was questioning me and my motives for life
that’s where my filet o fish goes ^
here is the actual snake which i only got a second of and he was halfway in the bush but he was the biggest one i have ever seen in the yard.
this is me doing a kid friendly ad for v8 splash on how when you drink it, you automatically become better than other people
and also, this is me proving i actually drank it (which I did– it tasted awesomely great, which is why i decided i’d agree to do their ad in the first place)
if you touch your tongue to it, you tasted it. fact.
oh here’s the snake
this was after an old man working at the grocery store called me over to ask me about the paint he had seen on my legs earlier the FIRST time i was getting cherries. that’s another story unto itself too.
oh here’s the ad
making gangrene fashionable since 2017
i’m nothing if not fucking brilliant with colors
i saw these flowers the other day when i posted them and i got an instant craving for this color which is the same color i painted my room at my parents’ house in high school and it’s just fucking the most brilliant color in the world ever, i fucking adore it. so i always just get these instincts for where things are, so i went into the mall yesterday and i’m a very fucking succinct shopper i don’t boop along; i go in, i know what i’m getting, i get it, done. five minutes, proper. so i walk in, don’t find exactly but find something good enough that i would have gotten anyway, buy that, tell the girl at the register i got a craving for this color but i didn’t see anything in it.
i’m leaving the store, fucking walk right past this shirt and it’s the exact fucking color. so i go back, i’m like dude i found it! i got it in black, this color and a better purple than the one i had just bought so i switched that out. these shirts are in my ALL time favorite cut for a tank top. i had a white one from HnM YEARS ago with this same neckline and straps and it’s my all-time fucking favorite. so fucking in love with these.
i’m fucking brilliant with colors and knowing colors and what will look good and right on people. this is it.
and then I see this
BAHHHHHHH they are so cute I love babies so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ADORABLY CUTE BEYOND WORDS.
Paparazzi shot of Blue next door… I walked by the window and spotted this. It never gets old (for me).
He only gets more perfect with time.
Love this boy so much.
I was serendipitously sat in traffic at a standstill outside my friend Shane’s house.
I got to see him in the window. He waved with a disembodied hand.
Katie likes Ricky Martin.
I have mad love for you crazy people!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Hope you’re enjoying your day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
I was helping my neighbor Jenny with some of her gardening/dirt and it was really fun. Blue was helping, too, as you can see. 🙂 He’s very earnest.
Blue had us all home and outside with him today; he loves it when Jenny is home, too, especially, and out in the yard. And I went upstairs and laid down (on one of his beds) for a little while, and when I came back down, I saw SOMEONE had stopped over and given him a raw marrow bone (the second love of his life, beside me– I meant the bone, not the person, but he loves this person, too– it’s my dad).
Blue is THE most blessed dog in the whole entire world. I love him SO much. SO INCREDIBLY MUCH. I would mainline him if I could.
Here’s a picture from earlier today when one of his neighborhood friends had escaped into our yard, and he barked to get him in trouble then came inside and cuddled with me until Oliver’s dad came over (on his TRACTOR) and retrieved him.
I was laughing at the whole thing because Blue was being a tattle-tale, and also, I lucked out because somehow he decided it was necessary for him to come inside and sit on my lap and watch the drama go down from in there.
I am not kidding even a little bit when I say that watching Oliver’s dad bring him back home ON HIS LAP whilst riding the tractor was one of my all-time favorite things I have ever seen. I WISH I had gotten a pic but by the time they rode past the window, it was already too late.
But honestly, a once-in-a-lifetime viewing, for sure.
(Well, one can always hope.)
I was eating this carrot and he came over and sniffed it out of my hand, so I gave it to him and he carried it into this room. I didn’t think he’d actually eat it– let alone the WHOLE ENTIRE THING! I feed him carrots every morning with his breakfast, but it’s usually smothered in coconut oil. This really surprised me about him. Usually he only eats carrots pureed (unless they are baby ones). LOLOLOL
This dog is my love; he’s the most wonderful gift, the most wonderful thing in the world. If you ever wonder if there is a god, just look at your animal, look at your pet. They are an expression of the truth of what we all are! Amazing. So much love. This guy has totally changed my life just by being himself and being in it.
Not a day goes by that I don’t feel appreciation for the fact that I get to share my life with him. It’s an HONOR to do. I really feel like, how’d I get so lucky? He’s just the best, I feel like living with animals is so humbling when you realize this is a gift that we are given to be able to live alongside and share our lives with them, it’s something that to me goes so deep, it’s a daily blessing and gift and something that I’m always aware of my part in and I feel like I am absolutely the winning one out of this.
They come here to share their energy and love with us, and all we do is feed them and offer them some room within our home. They are the most incredibly amazing gifts in the world. So incredibly blessed.
Enjoy your pets today, give them all a hug, whether they are turtles, spiders, birds, snakes, cats, puppies, guinea pigs, hamsters, horse, rats, ferrets or fish. Just enjoy them all because they are so good and we are so blessed to be living among them!!!!
Even when they steal our “plant-based” food.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
There goes my trying to eat healthy. Clearly, it is not meant to be.
If your dog steals your carrot, just consider it a sign to go and eat cake.
THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉
I never can eat at parties and so now I have to go get food.
BUT before I do.
Here’s a list of a couple things I learned today.
-Babies don’t eat cupcakes. (At least not when they’re 5 months old. Too young. They haven’t discovered the true meaning of life yet. But their ignorance is pure.)
-I am really in love with this song (I love this band in general, from what I’ve heard but I was really impressed with this)
-If you pee in the woods two times in three days, apparently that’s more times than most.
-Don’t drink bleach.
(BUT YOU CAN get away with it– only if you spit it out first. Do not swallow bleach. It’s, like, not the kosher thing to do. Just brush your teeth. Trust me. It beats it in the long run.)
Ummm I think that’s about all. But how many life lessons can you REALLY learn in a day? I’d say that’s pretty good.
Oh right. The most solid thing and the reason I originally intended to write in this post.
Having a baby and breastfeeding them——
DOES NOT GUARANTEE BIG BOOBS. [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Apparently, you can have boobs that are like, the SIZE AS MINE, which…
Apparently, you can have really small boobs and still make milk!
Totally blew my mind.
That doesn’t really affect me either way, I’ve never cared one way or the other, but I just wanted to use this platform as a warning in case anyone was considering getting pregnant on the basis of that, because I just wouldn’t want you to go through all the trouble, to find out it was for naught.
BY THE WAY, I am not pointing fingers at anyone in particular; I met a lot of mothers there today.
THERE WERE A LOT OF MOTHERS THERE.
It was like a schmorgasboard of moms.
Dude. The shit that you learn… I thought I knew it all, but some of their stories STILL found a way to make my vagina hurt. Holy jesus christ.
I thought from watching YouTube videos of at-home births, I pretty much knew it all. And besides, in general, I know a lot about kids and I’m really at ease, but like, seeing people my age whom I’ve known my whole life parent, is like a whole new actual thing.
I still stand behind everything I’ve ever said about no metal utensils going anywhere near the region of down there. I don’t care if you’re a doctor or not.
Holy fucking shit.
No numbing cream, no shots. You’re not going to fool me into USING SCISSORS OR A KNIFE DOWN THERE. WHAT THE ACTUL FUCK.
Save it for your cadavers.
But yeah, my friend’s new baby is REALLLLLLY incredibly beautiful and cute, and she is just unreal. She is an honest to goodness like, becoming a real-life PERSON already, which is really fascinating to me. She was smiling and laughing and responding to things. Wild. I probably would have liked to hold her the entire time but there are a lot of selfish people out there, and everyone wanted a turn.
[What would have been unselfish was to let me have her all to myself, and as Jesus said, that is the right thing to do, but not everyone reads The Bible. So.]
Sometimes you are subjected to people who simply know not what they do.
But in all seriousness, she was really cute and babies are really weird. They have their own energy, I swear they are like a sack of freaking potatoes but like… also… I don’t know, I just can’t explain they are really incredibly weird. It is really incredibly weird to me that you one day accidentally have sex, and then it winds up with THAT.
What the actual fuck.
For real. Like, honestly THINK ABOUT IT.
If I ever do have a kid, here are my wishes for them (for me).
I hope the only place I gain any weight is the baby and I hope that literally the only thing on my body that changes is the bump and everything else stays the same, or gets better, and from behind I look exactly the same, and a week afterward, I’m back to normal clothes and by two weeks out my stomach looks the same way it does today. (I mean, I just ate like three mini cupcakes, so I’m giving myself a break. That’s being realistic.)
I hope the kid basically sleeps through the night from the get.
I hope somehow I get even MORE brilliant and have plenty of time to paint and to write and that I’m even MORE inspired than before.
I hope I feel healthier, more energized and even, SOMEHOW EVEN FRESHER AND MORE WELL-RESTED than I ever did before the kid because somehow they’ve brought a whole new meaning to life.
I hope whoever I do it with is really funny and really cool and like, really into the whole thing. And that they can handle the mess and don’t faint when like, my insides come out.
I hope they’re a really super awesome cool dad and just like, change diapers and be involved and genuinely be as excited as me for the whole thing, like 100 percent involved except minus the breasts.
I hope my skin stays clear. I hope my hair stays good.
I hope the entire time I feel like myself, or even better.
I hope that it makes our relationship even BETTER and more fun and more interesting and just deeper on some level than ever before. I hope it’s with someone that I genuinely am happy, over the moon, to be with, for my whole entire life. Till we’re 102 in rocking chairs being like, “Reeeeememmber the time that you shit yourself on the ferris wheeeeeeeeel.”
(Okay, we don’t have to have THAT exact specific conversation… I won’t lock me into that.)
I hope that I still get to have a lot, lot of sex. Like, a week afterward and on.
I hope my vag stays the same and that I can’t perpetually fit my hand up there for the rest of my life. I hope NOBODY ever fits their entire hand up there for the rest of my life.
I hope the thing slides out me like butter and I barely even notice. (I heard if you use coconut oil as like, a lubricant, that can occur.)
I hope it’s one of those surreal experiences where you’re like, halfway out of your body, like holy jesus shit, this is the first time this person has ever actually been inside a REAL ROOM.
I hope it’s really happy.
I hope it’s one of those moments that’s EQUALLY as good as the three best days of my life (which I’ve had, so far).
I hope that when I do it once, I’m like, ready to do it five several more times cause it was the greatest thing in the world and super fucking weird on a level that ONLY that thing can be.
And more than anything I just hope that I like the kid, that they’re my friend, and that the whole thing is incredibly FUN and that I’m always happy I did it and that I’m a better person than ever before for having the experience and that they have a really awesome dad and that it’s one of those things that if anyone is ever on the fence about, after having the experience, I jump up and say, “Yeah! You gotta do this! You absolutelyfuckingtivelypositivitely have to do this cause it’s the best thing of your life and the most adventure and the most fun and the most satisfying and meaningful thing that you can ever do!!!!!”
I hope I’m not an actual mom. I hope I just can be their friend. I think a good solid mutual trust, honesty, respect and friendship is the best thing you can have with anyone, especially, your kid. I hope that I let them be them and give them house, occasional food and clothes, until they’re old enough to do it for themselves and just let them find their own way and let them enjoy life of their own accord and that I give them freedom to explore and be fearless because they’re BORN with the same internal wisdom that everyone else is spending their entire lives trying to get back into.
Kids on some level know a lot more than we know. I just hope if I ever do have kids, that I let them be themselves and find themselves and leave them as much as I can do their own devices, because I think, as far as human devices go, that they are pretty good.
So, I have pretty normal expectations, wishes and hopes.
Oh, also I want to do it at home in a tub on my own and kind of like one, two, three breeeeeeze. And be right back up the next day, doing whatever it was I did before I have a kid…
Taking a nap.
By the way, Hilary looks AMAZING and I am so blown away at seeing her be a mom. She and her husband are awesome parents and their little baby is SO LUCKY to have them.
The only thing left to say here is, in the words of Perez Hilton, “Snaps all around!”
… Maybe I should take a break from his site.
❤ (Perez Hilton 4 Lyfe)
By the way, too, speaking of Perez (who, to me now is like, a lifelong friend going on ten years of me reading his blog ever since I used to have way too much time spent in libraries during school– and what was I supposed to do, read books?), lately I’ve been IN LOVE with his Instagram videos of him speaking Spanish to his children, and it’s something literally within the last day or two I’ve realized is somehow a dream for my kids to be bilingual even though the only word I know in French after taking it for years in school, is croissant.
But today Hilary was telling me how her nanny speaks Spanish to her little girl and I thought that was both a CRAZY coincidence and the COOLEST thing ever so anyway, that just made me really glad. When I’m seeing kids being spoken to in a language that I don’t know, it amazes me they know what the fuck the people are saying, and then I realize that that’s HOW I LEARNED ENGLISH and then I am REALLY blown away.
Mostly, by my own brilliance, and secondly, by theirs.
It honestly blows me away the way that kids learn, and seeing them learn a language is like, WHEN I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT, it just puts it into perspective to me, how amazing our brains are, and the capacity to learn that we all hold, that I know I for certain have not even BEGUN to tap into.
So, that is all for me for now.
I have this thing where, well it’s between me and my dog. And it’s this trick I’m teaching him called, “77”. So I tell him, “Bubba, 77.” And it’s something he’s working on long-term, where he lives to be 77 years old (human years). Dog years are for dogs.
Anyway. Okay. So. My friend just totally waylaid me by sending me this link to this dog who looks like an older version of my dog (like a grayed out version) and he is SO unbelievably cute and he’s lived so far to be 23 by being a “spoilt lad” (that’s UK-speak for ‘spoiled lad’, for all you Americans, don’t worry, translation is for free).
So that took a good ten minutes of my time. There’s no accounting for the rest. Okay so back to my story. My friend was sending me these nice emails, I said I’d never write again, then on a whim I went back here… then on a whim, I re-purchased the domain name… Then on a whim I started writing all this shit you see here…
Then on a whim…
Okay, so I said I would never do it, which is usually the first pre-requisite to me doing anything.
Cut to, me here.
Oh yeah. So that dog only has 54 more years to reach Blue’s expected age, and I totally believe he can do it.
Especially if being spoiled is the pre-req, then I know Blue will definitely make it till then.
I mean, not that he’s spoiled. As I always say, he isn’t spoiled at all. He’s treated equally commensurate with what he should be treated, for the love and joy he doles out to me on a daily basis. He’s paid in what other people would call being spoiled but for me, it’s just treating him as any other living being.
By the way, it’s not me who feeds him so many treats I had to reduce his food intake to only one meal a day– blame THAT ONE on my neighbors. (I love you, all.)
Her name is Jenny and her number is 867-5309… Don’t tell her I told you.
Okay so back to my original point, which was…
BUT. To be fair, there was a bit of a bent I had going. So let me see if I can somehow retrieve that.
Okay, whilst sitting on the magic chair (peeing), I was reminded that I actually did have a reason for writing, and thus, I shall transcribe it here.
So my friend had been telling me all these nice things, I said to myself hell would freeze over before I’d sell my soul to the devil that was writing. But then. I don’t know exactly what happened but I think it was the fact that I’d been writing today privately about a lot of the things, well, I didn’t KNOW I had written about here, but it was so weird. When I went to go send him the link to my defunct blog, I found this one post in particular, the one about looking for love in all the wrong places, and I had only clicked it because as I said before, Abraham is like my number one shit and they always say that, so I was kind of amazed at the synchronicity of that.
And then, when I read it, I was blown away by my words. Like, and I’ve expressed this with the friend who was reading my book, as well as others, how when reading back your own words, if it’s anything you’re enjoying, you’re reading it (or watching it, if it’s a video or whatever it may be) as if it’s somebody else who performed it, and you’re a total outsider, just enjoying the ride. It’s like you stand in someone else’s shoes, in a way, when you perform or you write, and then if you happen to see it back, you’re back standing in your own, so by the time you witness it, it’s as if somebody else is the one who was doing the doing. If that makes any sense?
All you creative people (who is everyone, as far as I’m concerned) I know you’ll know what I’m talking about. Most likely.
I was reading this article I’d written and I was absolutely blown away. It was really, really good. It was really really legitimately good and I’m not, this is the last time I’ll say it but I’m not patting myself on the back. I’m saying, it still held a resonance with me, that, even after three years or whatever, I was like, “Damn. I fully agree. That shit is spot on.” Which, after going through some of my other drafts, a lot of them, I couldn’t say the same for. Even if they were somewhat well-written, conceptually, I couldn’t relate or stand behind the things I had written, which is totally cool, that’s the nature of the game, the evolution of life. And I love that.
But to see something that’s still so resonate and so pertinent for you, both stylistically and shit-wise– what’s the word I’m looking for, conceptually, or like, content-wise, which is mostly what I’m discussing, that really blew me away. It felt like coming full-circle to see that, and also, this thing I’ve been really into lately, which is. [I’m re-reading this through now and I have no idea what that was.]
Okay, so after much so-called “spiritual-seeking” as you might say. I found this set of teachings, which, to me, is the holy grail of them, and in a way, some people think they’re not really that “spiritual” at all. They’re the ones who taught me to really believe in my dreams, and that it’s okay to be a billionaire and have the house in Malibu, and have my own plane because I need one for my dog. And all of those absolutely legitimate things. That three years ago, I was lightyears away from knowing, thinking, believing, or understanding. (NOT that any of those things are important, and it’s precisely because of their unimportance, that it’s also okay to have them if you so desire.)
They basically explained to me that it’s okay to have your dreams, you’re here in this life to want what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with any of it; that everything here in this life is equally as spiritual as the next, and the only real differentiation is whether you want it, or not. Whether it feels good to you in this moment, or not.
I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything, ever. And I’m not here to espouse any kind of teachings, or anything like that. To me, if anything, these teachings have absolutely opened the door to me, in my mind, where I understand the value of everything that EVERYONE is living, and thinking and believing, and I no longer see “one right way” of doing things, and I see that EVERYONE is “spiritual” and I kind of don’t even identify so much anymore with any of those labels at all; I just kind of see the world as a launching ground for my dreams and I find it actually really, really fun and inclusive in a way, because in that framework, everything counts and everything has value, and it’s not like cloistering myself off with only people who do yoga or meditate or read a certain kind of book, and that is something I’ve always internally felt was an important thing to do (or not do, maybe is what I mean) and this kind of framework has really given me in a way, a kind of UNDERSTANDING and therefore, permission, to follow SO MANY THINGS that I’ve done since I was a kid, and I now understand why, on some level, I had this innate knowing, of the value of these things that I always felt drawn toward, and never knew why.
For example, and I fully was not intending to go here or take any of this direction, but great. I always felt like I wanted a mixture of kinds of people in my life. Even when I was in yoga teacher training, and I was surrounded by these “yogis”, I felt like, I didn’t WANT to fully submerse myself in that. Or when, shortly after graduating that, I did an 11-day silent meditative retreat, and I kept hearing cars along the highway and I wanted to run to them so badly just to go home and get away. I went to this so-called “heaven on earth” place called Kripalu, where so many people I know are like, “I went there and I never wanted to go home!” and I’m like, I went there for a weekend, and I couldn’t WAIT to get home.
And it’s not that these places were bad; it’s just that for me, I’ve ALWAYS inherently craved some kind of balance. I remember on the final night of yoga teacher training, it was like graduation, and we were all outside at a bar downtown drinking and celebrating, and my (I think he was my ex but then he wasn’t and we were still living together and then got back together after so anyway it wasn’t technically off although it was, you know how it is) but my “ex” boyfriend came to pick me up from it at my request. And I remember it like it was a movie…
Because there were all these “yoga” people. (Who were all drinking, but for some reason, smoking was bad.) (And don’t get me wrong, these are AWESOME incredible people, I genuinely love them, my point being here, well, you’ll see.) And he walked through the crowd, and I was sitting on a patio in this like, pit-level area, and he was like walking in from street level, so he was some steps above, and I just remember looking up, and the crowd parted as he walked through them, and he emerged through the crowd, with a cigarette, looking like an angel from heaven.
And I was like, “That’s my heart!!!!” THAT’S MY PEOPLE!!!!!
He’s smoking and he looks like a fucking shaggy wreck (and yet meticulously put together, somehow, too)! I’m home!!!!!
I’m not saying it’s smoking or not smoking or doing yoga or not doing yoga. I always tried to take up smoking and it just made me nauseous, unless I was seriously drunk (then I kinda liked it). But I just always loved and craved someone different than me, people different than me, to balance out things in my life. I never felt like I wanted a carbon copy of me, or someone who did everything the same as me or like me, and to this day, I feel like I love having people from all walks of life. If I’m into something, usually, I like surrounding myself with people who are into totally other things. For me, that’s what makes the world go round.
Plus that’s how I get out of cooking.
I keep having these side conversations about my dog and things that get me waylaid but life is just one big waylayover so.
I guess I can be just happy with that!
So, yeah. I saw my work, and I said, “I’m in.” I auditioned for myself, and I said, “Fuck yeah.”
Actually, I totally forgot where I was going with any of that, since I just took a detour into talking about how much we love my dog. (Via text, not here).
Oh yeah, how everything is spiritual.
Oh yeah and how I found Abraham’s teachings, and then, the things they recommend to do, if you want to get back into alignment with who you really are, are things I always used to naturally do, like, I’d fall asleep to really happy stories I’d make up in my head. I remember being at a sleepover one time when I was in fourth or fifth grade, actually maybe I told this story at a couple different places, and I’d tell my friends how to have really good dreams, you just make up stories in your head before you go to bed.
And I think what I was saying about before, was the whole thing about how I’ve come to see that EVERYTHING is “spiritual”, and therefore, nothing is “more” spiritual than anything else. And nobody holds the market on it. It’s not a religious thing, it’s not a meditation thing, or a yoga thing. And don’t get me wrong, there are higher and lower levels of awareness and all of that, or different levels of connection with “source” or “god” or whatever you want to say. But someone who’s never read a spiritual text in their life, my friend Nancy and I always talk about this, can be the best practicer of these concepts, and someone who THINKS they are “spiritual”, sometimes is not.
Sometimes the idea that we think we are “this” or “that” only prevents us from really interacting with others and interacting with life. So, I had a time of really focusing on that kind of “purely spiritual” shit, mostly in terms of books. And all of those were really, truly great. Sometimes you need a period of studying JUST that kind of stuff. And then, eventually, maybe, you can branch BACK out into the world of other things, and find the goodness and the interest and the fascination (you know, within your own realm of personal preference) for yourself.
So, I guess my original point in all of that was, it was pretty astounding for me to read this article I’d written before knowing what I thought was like, all these things that I “JUST” learned, because I attributed them most to Abraham stuff. And now I’m seeing something I already KIND of knew, but I’m seeing it for real and for clear, is that this is the kind of stuff that we ALWAYS already know, no matter what. and something else I knew, which was that, oftentimes, with age, we actually get stupider, not wiser.
It doesn’t have to be true, but a lot of times, wisdom comes with youth, before we’ve accepted so many beliefs or ideas that don’t really serve us and aren’t really true. Because a lot of the things that what I consider to be the wisest teachings on earth suggest, like making lists of things you love and making up happy stories in your head, and basically playing pretend in your mind about a lot of different things, just for the effect of having fun, these are things I knew how to do as a kid, and lost touch with before.
Also, a huge thing that I lost touch with for a really, really long time and I can see evidence of me totally killing it back in the day (in a really good way), is the idea that what you want matters, and going for what you want.
In some ways, some of the “spiritual” teachings I read, almost made me feel this sense of nihilism (I think I’m using that term in the right way), where, what I took from it was, “I was already ‘enlightened’ before I came into this body, and now basically, I’m just spending my life trying to re-reach that state of pure knowing and being.” Which made me sometimes feel like, “Okay, if the whole point is to reach some state of being that I already had, then why the fuck am I living in this body now? And why bother to go out there and live life, if, like, the whole point is just being enlightened?” I don’t know if I’m explaining this well, and these aren’t even really thoughts I’ve had in quite a long while, but I suppose I’m giving you a full-service deal of some run-around of garbage that I’ve POTENTIALLY THOUGHT. (Handy!)
And I’m not saying that’s what they were actually saying, but for me, Abraham Hicks stuff put life into a totally new perspective, and it took the ideas I’d learned from other places, and validated them, and used them, but then also expounded in a way that made me understand life and why were are here, and basically, I’d say, for the most part, all of my questions are now answered.
Not on everything or that I HAVE all of the answers or that I know everything; not at all. But I understand the framework of life and why we are living and how we are living and how life works and why things happen in a way that before reading them, and listening to them, I never did.
So with all of that said, I totally don’t know why I went into all of that and I certainly didn’t expect to go so much into any particular teaching. BUT. I think the whole point, actually I know the whole point, of all of that run-around is the fact that I saw something I’ve known, and it just reminded me of, the fact that, what we know, we all know, deep down, and that is what’s true. And what’s true is timeless and we know it whether we’ve come into contact with “the right teaching” or not. The point being, it doesn’t TAKE an outside teacher to tell us what feels right to us, or for us to know our truth or for us to know what is right. Because for all my credit I can give to any other teacher or teaching, no matter how wise, the truth is always within me, and looking back, because I don’t really keep journals anymore and I don’t usually ever read anything I’ve written once it’s done, but reading that old post really showed me in a really clear way, that the knowing is always within us, and it’s just a matter of how much garbage we have heaped up on top, as to whether we can, in this moment, access it or not.
Today Grandpa (aka my dad… who became “Grandpa” for the first time when I got Blue) picked us up at noon for a hike at Moreau State Park. I was still getting my socks and shoes on so he said he would take Blue out to the car while I finished getting ready.
I wasn’t sure why they needed to make special seating arrangements prior to my arrival, but didn’t think much of it.
When I got outside, I realized it was because his idea was that Blue should sit in the front of the truck. I thought he meant Blue would sit on my lap in front.
“Yeah, that’s how he normally sits.” I laughed.
But no, what he actually meant was that I should sit in the back and Blue should have the entire front passenger seat to himself. Apparently, he thinks it is funny when Blue looks like a “little prince” in the front seat.
He wanted my dog to ride shot gun while I squeezed into the back of the pick up truck’s cab.
This ridiculous scenario was quickly terminated by me; seemingly the only one with a bit of sense between the three of us.
We got to the park and Blue promptly did his business (at least, the only business his heart has ever truly been in) on a hill at a ninety degree angle. I guess he likes a challenge.
Five minutes into the walk, they both got cold and insisted we go to the warming hut; my dad with words, Blue with a lifted paw like a poor little orphan who can’t find his way home.
(Editor’s Note: It was not that cold. And that, from someone who wants to move to the desert.)
I wanted to hike, but at least I got to look at those cool tree samples on the wall. Blue found a lost polka dot glove that beckoned for him to pull it from its lonesome spot on the bench and have a little tussle. (He has a penchant for accessories.)
After about twenty minutes at the park, my dad decided he’d had enough outdoors-manship for the day.
He told me he had been meaning to get some mink oil from a cowboy supply store and I told him I heard they liked Cattle Dogs there (and even had pictures on the wall), so I’d be happy to come along.
Then suddenly, my dad was too hungry to do anything further, so he asked if I wanted to go to Hannaford. (For those of you who don’t live locally– that is a supermarket.)
He wanted to get a salad at the salad bar. No I didn’t want one. But I did have to pee.
He insisted on buying me a Farmer’s Almanac just because I picked it up in the check out line to glance through while we waited.
“You didn’t get a salad, so you’ll get an Almanac.”
Then he handed me the keys to his prized white truck. He wanted me to drive so he could eat his salad (with two chicken wings on top) on the way to the cowboy supply store.
Trying to make conversation, I asked him how one of his friends from work was doing.
“Who cares–This is my new favorite restaurant! Just look at these raspberries! Try one! Want an olive? Well here, have another raspberry!… This is so healthy…. it’s so convenient. I just can’t believe this.
I’m never going to McDonald’s again!”
The salad was all we were allowed to discuss on the way to the Western store. Except for the fact that on the side of the Northway, he saw a deer standing on a pile of dirt. (“He was just standing there, just standing on the pile of dirt!”)
As if, if the deer had realized it was only a pile of dirt upon which he stood, he would have quickly repositioned himself to a more luxurious location.
When we got to the cowboy store, my dad thought that I should first go in and ask if I could bring my dog. Usually, I bring him in and ask questions later. In respect for my dad’s neuroses, I decided to just leave him in the car.
He found the mink oil.
While I was waiting, I admired a blanket which the lady promptly informed me was a “Pendleton wool”.
I laughed at the synchronicity (it is Mercury Retrograde, after all, and the almanac said to expect those) and pulled my collar out from my coat and said, “Like this one, right?”
My dad nodded an affirmative. I was wearing a Pendleton wool shirt he had given my sister, which she had passed on to me a couple of days before.
And then I realized the blanket I liked in the shop was essentially a smaller version of a large Navajo blanket with neon-colored birds which my dad had given me last year, just because I had admired it.
(Upon writing this, I now realize that blanket is currently positioned on top of Blue’s jail to keep him warm at night. It’s my favorite blanket, but I gave it to him, because he told me he liked it.)
As we were leaving, a cowboy who must have looked in the window of the car while we were shopping told my dad he liked his dog.
“It’s my daughter’s dog,” My dad replied, with what, to my surprise, sounded like a hint of pride.
Blue slept groggily in the back all the way home. (He’s still tired from his first week of “work”– which is a whole other story.)
Grandpa dropped us off, and upon leaving the car, Blue promptly disregarded my command to “stay”… Which he mostly does just in front of my dad. You know, to make me look good.
I hugged my dad goodbye and he retrieved my micro-spikes from the bed of his truck (a wholly unnecessary accoutrement for the day)– a gift he left on my door step last week. So that I can take Blue for walks in all-terrains. (If only they made them for dogs.)
I think now we will take a nap. It is kind of exhausting going not-really-hiking with Grandpa.
But I have to admit, we are lucky to have the best Grandpa in the world.
(Who will no longer eat McDonald’s… for about a week.)
I spoke with my dad this morning to thank him for the (organic bison, gluten free) meatloaf he dropped off last night. He told me that he and my mom had dinner reservations for tonight. It’s a Saturday night, so that wasn’t surprising.
“That’s nice. Where?” I asked.