This Lady Inspires!!!!

I was just saying yesterday to a friend, how I have been inspired by these “regular” people who don’t really have anything above and beyond in their lives, and some of them even have things that on paper, you’d say, “I don’t want that”– AND YET– AND YET– THEY ARE HAPPY! They are joyful! They have discovered a sort of secret to life that I am discovering, too, which is being happy “unconditionally”. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

It’s about loving and appreciating yourself and those around you, and loosening up on yourself about having things JUST SO, and then, ironically, when you relax and start enjoying the things around you, the things around you start to shift. It has to start with you first!!!!! And isn’t that amazing! We hold the power to change because all things in our life begin within ourselves!

This lady is quite an example of that. Something I have found is that there are truly happy people on there, living their lives and really enjoying what is before them. These people are not rich or famous, but they are happy and they are uplifting other people, and more importantly, themselves!!!! And isn’t that the key!!! They love themselves and those around them, and that has become to me, the most inspiring thing!! I have seen people appreciating things lately that in the past I would have said, “You’re crazy… are we looking at the same thing?” And then I started to realize… the prize is in the loving! The prize is in the feeling good! The prize is in the beholding and the appreciating and the love! That’s where the feeling-good is! The prize isn’t about trying to control what comes to you; it’s about controlling your emotions in a way that they perpetually feel good to you!! It’s about directing your mind toward what you want and believing it is coming and taking inspired action along the way.

It isn’t just this lady’s weight loss I find amazing, although I know that represents a shift in positive energy for her too, it’s also her relationship with her partner, the way she appreciates nature and Disney, the way she shifted her mind on vacation going into a swimsuit for the first time, and all other sorts of things that EVERYONE can relate to. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ I love seeing happy people!!!

Sending you love on this beautiful day πŸ™‚ ❀ ❀ ❀







I Have Never

Seen a better movie in my life.





john_carter_of_mars009__120311093352maxresdefaultI can’t say it emphatically enough.

Best movie of all time. I want two and three and four.


One of my totally favorite parts of this –so far, and only 23 more minutes to go– amazing movie.

This movie is SO well-done and I enjoy it whole-heartedly. And I would love for a second and third one to be made.

Fall Castle GHOSTS

Had a really nice visit with the men who were doing the driveway and I think giving it a new roof. They were very sweet and kind and super cool and they really loved the house, too. They offered to give me a ride up the fork lift thing or whatever you call it, the thing that brings you up to the roof but I’m getting sweaty hands just writing about it. BUT THEY WERE SUPER NICE.


Only joking. I wasn’t scared, I just didn’t know what to do with Blue.


No really though.

Maybe he would have gone up, too.

Now that would have been a picture.

I think the ghosts and I will be really good friends.

I Love Movies

I love movies so much that when I was younger (and I don’t mean just a kid) and whenever I’d go see a movie in the theater, I INVARIABLY wanted to be JUST LIKE the protagonist female. Always. No matter what, I found something in it that I loved and wanted to be a part of. I went to school partly for film, because it was such a passion of mine, and on some level, still is.

I’m super focused and obsessed with being in my own head, my own imagination and dreams, and those are in part, amalgamations of movies I have seen, even trailers. I’m watching a movie right now (everyone who knows me knows that unless someone sits me down and makes me, my movie-viewing-spurts until I finish the actual film, can number in the nearly tens– such is my attention span for that).

I was watching the previews last night and this movie came on it. I am a HUGE Tim Burton fan– basically, anything he does, and Disney. Those are two of my all-all-all-time favorites combined. Plus, dogs. So like, this is really epic for me. This came out (and I saw it) before I got Blue. In seeing pieces of it now, I’m realizing how similar Blue is to Sparky, and how much our dreams really do come true. I wanted a relationship like Victor and Sparky, and that is what I got. I got a lovable, silly, barrel of a goofball dog who is my best, best friend for life.

Last night, in the short trailer/preview of this film, EVEN KNOWING HOW IT TURNS OUT– REALLY HAPPY ENDING– I had all I could do to get through the first part of it, when Sparky dies. I don’t think I’m spoiling it for you because it’s pretty freaking obvious that like, that’s the premise of the movie.



^^ I just noticed Blue has THREE of these blankets made for him. (Okay two, and one which I share, which really means I have given to him, too.)

I just want to say to you that movies are my heart, Disney is my heart, Tim Burton is my heart, but mostly, my dog is my heart.

I love my dog SO much and if you have a dream out there that you’re wanting to come true, know that it CAN and it WILL come true in full fruition because to me, my dog is ever-living proof that that can happen, and that it does. I dreamed of him literally my whole life, and having him is everything I ever hoped that it would be, and more. And I know for sure for sure every single day that he was LITERALLY made to be with me and live with me and have this life with me.

He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me in the world and the love and life I experience with him is unlike anything I had ever known prior to him being in my life.

I was thinking of this the other day in the shower, and I think of it a lot, even if I have a family, I don’t think I will ever, ever, ever have the relationship with my kids that I have with my dog because every single other person in the world, necessarily exists for themselves. They have their own things to unfold. And that’s the way it should be.

My dog lives here almost exclusively for me, to be with me. He doesn’t really have an agenda of his own (besides treats). He isn’t here to get things done (besides eating treats) or to be a certain way (besides as close to fat as he can possibly be); he’s just here to enjoy life (and eat treats) and to love and to be with me as my best friend (who gives him… you get the idea). The bond I have with my dog is unbreakable and unlike anything I have ever, ever, ever, ever, ever discovered before. The responsibility, the honor, and the duty you feel to someone who has dedicated their entire existence to being with you, is a loyalty I have to him that I will never be able to fully express.

Saying I am obsessed with my dog is like saying heroin addicts are obsessed with H. It’s not that you’re obsessed with the IDEA of the thing; it’s that you’re fucking addicted to the thing that gives you that feeling. You’re addicted to feeling good, and some things tend to bring it out of you more than others.

It’s not that I am obsessed with him; I am FANATICALLY fucking appreciative about the way he makes me feel and the literal door to the realm he opened when he walked into my life. He changed my way of being, my way of viewing the world, and being in it, in a way that was like opening another door to a way of living I had always wanted yet never known.

Since him coming in, my life has single-handedly and dramatically changed for the better, and I got way more selfish and discovered way more of what was truly important to me. It wasn’t making other people happy, it was being myself, being true to myself. He’s brought a focus to my life that daily I hone in on more and more and more. When you discover the true meaning of happiness is love, then the rest can purely follow from that.

Here is the trailer for this film, from 2012, from a PHENOMENAL artist of all-time about a boy and his dog, Halloween-themed things, and SO many other things I truly deeply adore.



This dog deserves every single castle in the world. (That’s the excuse I always use for buying castles.)

He re-centered and re-calibrated my life and helped meΒ to believe in a higher power, a higher good, that things are meant to be working out for me, that dreams really do come true, and that life is meant to be magically good. OF COURSE I’M FUCKING ADDICTED TO HIM. AND OF COURSE, HE COMES BEFORE ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE.

FUCKING DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I’m a pragmatic person, and I know what works. And since having my dog, basically, my world has revolved around ME and MY OWN PREFERENCES a lot more, because he gave my preferences a body and a focus and a home, where I could externally look at him and say, “Yeah, I’ve got to do this thing for him.” But ULTIMATELY, always, it was me doing that thing for myself, and that’s the art that he has taught me. Is do everything for yourself, what YOU want to do, and the rest of your life falls effortlessly into place.

YOU ARE HERE IN THIS LIFE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. He literally taught me that, when I saw that caring for him and doing what I want to do, was simultaneous. And what is possibly more important in this life, than caring for another living being of a thing? You don’t need anyone to hire you, pay you, or ask you to do that; innately, you know it has value and worth, regardless of whether anyone else, for the rest of your life, ever acknowledges it or not.

Having Blue taught me the value of ignoring the values of the world and focusing on the ones naturally born within myself. And I guarantee you that’s how I become the richest woman in the history of the world.

But I digress.

Caring for him has NEVER been work. It has always been 10,000% of what I have chosen, and what I have wanted to do. What I have been honored and blessed to do.

I have always been very aware of that.

And as for you, thank you for being a part of this world, which gave me my dog. The fact that you exist in the world, means to me, you had some part in it, however many degrees of separation that may seem. Ultimately, it’s never very far or separate at all.

He has taught me more about life, who I am, what I want, where I am going, how lucky I am, how loved I am, how amazing I am, how amazing life is, how good life is all meant to be, and so much more that defies being put into words. I love this fucking dog SO much and I’m appreciating this world that allowed me to have this life that allowed and allows me to have him.

Every single day that I wake up, I acknowledge to myself how lucky I am that he is with me, he is alive, and that I get to live this life THE WAY I WANT TO, THE WAY I INTENDED, just being me, and living with him. I’m super FUCKING lucky and I made it that way. I planned it that way, I made it that way, and I appreciate knowing that, too.

Plan for what you want.

Expect for what you want.

Be clear within yourself on what you desire, and see nothing other than that.

What you want is way too fucking important, to fuck with anything else.


Here’s Another Video of Toad

Some More Pics Of toad Hall


That desk thing comes out.

Did I Show You Angels This?

Just Another Glorious Day!!!



Okay Now That It’s The Monday Tomorrow

Get ready for a haunted castle and some Sesame Street!!!!!!!

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚


A true master. ❀ Much love.



:) :) :) :) :)

“So, what seems relevant here, is NEVER CARING AGAIN what anybody else thinks about what you’re doing. That’s the only freedom!

Because if you’re trying to jump through hoops to please them, then you’re not gonna feel light-hearted and you’re not going to feel free and you’re going to come to resent them so soon, you see.”

Mom Why You Gotta Play Me Like That


What does she know.

Autism, Amazing

This is a word that comes to mind to me a lot in terms of myself and my evolution, as I feel like I’m moving MORE in the direction of becoming some of those qualities myself and it’s something I am taking great enjoyment and pride in.

Literally, the better I am being, the more I am being myself, the happier and higher and more tuned in I am, the more autistic I feel. This is a word that has come to my mind countless times for many months now, as something to strive for always within myself.

I don’t really give a cut about explaining it to anyone else, I’m lazy, but luckily Abraham did a really good job with it.

I am watching this video now.

I love this lady, and I feel autistic with my mom and people all the time. Β πŸ™‚ This was the word I was talking about the other day in my podcast that I didn’t bother touching because I felt it might be too contrasting and not worth explaining to anyone else. But I love this so much. So I searched Abraham and Autism and this is what I found– I have never seen this before and I love it.



I have ALWAYS said this about childhood development– things we call developmental delays are simply energy being focused somewhere else. If I have kids, I don’t care when or whether they walk, talk, or drive the car because I KNOW they have brilliancy in their own way, and it’s only when we cannot SEE that for ourselves, that we believe something has gone wrong. You don’t have to be genius in EVERY which way, or in whatever ways the world defines as good. You only have to be genius in the ways in which you set forth when you came, the ways in which you want and that matter to you. THAT LITERALLY IS IT.

Conforming to an arbitrary general population mundane regular normal checklist isn’t the point. BEING WHO YOU CAME TO BE IN THIS WORLD: IS.

If conforming to the world makes you happy, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t.


You Know You’re Genius When

you realize cutting the superfluous strings on your decade-old bathrobe that continue falling into the toilet while you pee, is a legitimate solution.

I will now not have to throw it in the wash or pretend I didn’t see that for the next ten years of my life. πŸ™‚



By the way, I did pee on a penny tonight by accident so I think that that is especially lucky. Yes I brought it home.

I just realized in this photo, Like He is LITERALLY

up my ass

❀ my heart in my throat over how much I love him. It’s like an invisible string is always connecting us. I feel like our energies are so connected he is actually a part of me.

But then he like does some asshole move and I’m going to kill him and all the flowery shit goes out the window.



It’s how you know I’m a “real” mom.


friend just sent me this (thank youuuu!!! you know that’s the gift that keeps on giving– ABRAHAM LINKS!! lololol) I’m being dead-ass!

this shit is SO SPOT ON.




“Most everybody you know is evaluating their value to them, your gift to them, from YOUR suffering. If you’re not sacrificing, it’s not a valid gift.”

“That gift is meaningless. It’s not like it’s the last dollar she had. Now THAT would have been meaningful.”


FUCK. It’s ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was walking with Blue today, I had this come to my head, how one time semi-recently, when Beyonce posted her picture of her babies, Perez was talking with someone in his podcast and he said something to the effect of, “Some people think Beyonce thinks she is Jesus.”

And the thought that immediately came into my mind was,

“I don’t think I am Jesus; I know that I am.”

(Around that time, I was also having dreams I was Beyonce. But they’re ultimately one in the same.)

And I literally like, laughed out loud at the thought, but it’s true. I know I am god, and so is everyone else. It isn’t a matter of how much or how little you are– everyone is equally the same. It’s only ever a matter of HOW MUCH YOU ARE AWARE YOU ARE GOD, AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. I KNOW I’M GOD. AND I’M OKAY WITH IT.


Motherfucking greatness embodied.

That’s it now.

Moving on.

Speaking of BABIES

this one is so freaking cute

this is my favorite part of Perez… his family home videos with his kids (and his mom)!!!!!

The sparkly bow tie pasta. Don’t even get me started.

Alright You Know I Love happy songs

but the shit in this just fucking BLOWS MY MIND

I also love songs that are really passionate to where you turn them up, you get so high you feel like someone could take a machete to your arm at the elbow and you wouldn’t notice or even really care.

(Although I am rather fond of my limbs and phalanges.)

Believe it or not that’s a relatively common feeling for me.

I heard this song when I was flying in my car one night and like the next day the video came out. It’s super creative and I find the song itself to be pretty euphoric. FUCKING LOVE.

I tend to have as my favorite song, the one the artist says is their favorite off the album. And that’s without me having listened to any full album since probably Britney came out with that one in 2003. (Boom boom).

And this is no exception. These guys are sweet and true artists. It’s a cool video idea. Very committed.

Opiates inspire love songs!!!!!!!!!!!!! What else can I say.

My Idea Of Romance

is someone who watches your kids while you SLEEP and changes diapers…

and this is pretty sweet too.



As you can tell, Shane just won’t shut up…

It’s hard to get a word in edge-wise with him. I don’t know why I stand it.

Without Her, I’d talk to myself even more

It helps that she has the same first name…


The thing is, that thing moves with his hair in the rain. It’s really worth a “loreal” search in GIFs. It’s pretty worthwhile.

We’ll show you our fishing stuff when we come home from catching some whales to put in our backyard canal as best friends forever. ❀ Wish me luck.

Just Got A check In The mAIL

It was unexpected!!! Well I mean, I’m always expecting a shit ton of money to come to me. But this one I didn’t know was coming. So that’s always cool.

And cut my shorts so that they are so comfortable– with my fishing scissors my dad gave me. I’ll have to show you my tackle box and fishing things he got me later.


One of my favorite feelings in the WORLD is taking a sharp pair of scissors through some denim cloth. FUCKKKKKK yeah. It’s like a cigarette, if I could smoke. Like if I was able to enjoy smoking, I think that’s what it would be like.

I’m really proud of my fishing things so I really will show you later. They are some of my favorite things I have ever received.

Brady + Physics + Pure Positive Energy

Love him. This is a really great interview.

I don’t follow football, but some things are applicable all over the board. I always love listening to positive people speak. It’s not a matter of the vocation, it’s about how tuned in they are.

He says:

“I’ve had a lot of experiences and I know what’s important and I know what’s not important and tend to use a very positive outlook in order to shape my own emotions and feelings. I use a lot of things for motivation.”

It’s always the same concept and energy and application.

It’s literally mathematical in its precision.

If you ever wonder how or why someone has gotten to be where they are, just listen to an interview with them. And conversely, you can start changing the way you think and speak, to effect the change you wish to desire. ❀

“Because we’ve had success, a lot of teams don’t like that … It’s a good problem to have.
If they don’t like you, you’re probably doing something right!”
“People who are gonna grouch and groan are gonna grump either way; may as well be because YOU have what YOU want.
– You can quote ME on that one. πŸ™‚

You know that saying about you become who you hang out with? The beauty of the internet is that you have access to basically ANYBODY at your fingers. You get to choose whose speaking and ideas saturate your brain. You get to choose what to think and who to listen to and who to agree with and who feels right to you. It doesn’t have to be dependent on your “reality”. You have access to everything in the world!!!! You get to decide. YOU get to choose. You don’t have to listen to the people around you.

You get to decide who influences you.

Choose the direction of your life based on how it feels when you think it.

That’s how you know what is true in your heart.

ANYTHING is possible. ANYTHING you can imagine, is right within reach.

If you can think it, it’s yours.



You’re not here to fuck around with shit that doesn’t vitalize and interest you or with other people’s limited ideas of what is possible or real or necessary or right.

This isn’t purgatory.



I’m now going to go sip some tea in the garden surrounded by butterflies and the sound of Leonardo DaVinci playing the harp whilst I make a genteel watercolor with a paintbrush made from unicorn tail hairs, seated upon a mushroom, while I catch up with my neighborlyΒ human-size Caterpillar.

Podcast 11

Now That I’m on Shia

Love this mixture of humans.

They’re so BAD. They’re so themselves it LITERALLY gets me in the heart. They are so sick, separate and together. I love it.

Love love love beyond words love this.

Sickest human beings ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If You Don’t Love Rihanna, I Don’t Know What You Mean?



I’m really passionate about this.

You don’t understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You can literally figure out how to be a person just by looking at her.

God wants to be Rihanna when it grows up.


Drake, I agree with you.

And I’m supposedly straight.


This post is a moot point because everybody loves Rihanna.

But sometimes I just like to listen to myself talk.

And look at her on Drake’s socks.

(werk werk werk werk werk)



She knows him too well.

Podcast 9- Deserving!!!! :)


Here is the link to the original post here πŸ™‚

You deserve it.

If you want it, it’s yours.

Believe that it’s yours. Know you deserve it, by virtue of your existence and being here.

Whatever you want, you AUTOMATICALLY deserve, because it is GIVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are worthy.

You are deserving beyond belief.


Want it, believe it, deserve it, it’s you.

Love you guys!!! πŸ™‚

My Parents really missed their calling


As weathermen

although my mom once famously said to my dad, “It’s really coming out down there.”

MEANING to comment on the rain…

Also my mom insists on calling Jenny “Jennie” in all of her texts.



Here Are Two Videos

That have never been released.

They follow the video I accidentally got of a toad being eaten by this snake to the soundtrack of BeyoncÉ.

I just clicked this one because it reminded me of my period cup

#5 and Ghost


I’m heading out; I’ll tag this properly later.

Thank you for listening from the bottom of my heart. Love to all you guys so much!!!!!!!!

Yeah in hindsight I don’t know that I’ll ever tag this properly. :p

Podcast #4

Isn’t This A Beaut


More info here ❀


This Is Kelsey and Trish(a)

Trisha looks gorgeous at her baby shower. I hope someday I meet Trisha (again) and her baby (he’s not yet born, so that would be the first) and have the honor of giving them a really nice gift!!!

I think she chose the name Xavier, which is one of my all-time favorite names.

If you are friends with my sister, I just pretend that you’re my friend. Even if I’ve met you for two seconds half a year ago.


Kelsey will kill me for posting this, but Kelsey rarely is reading this blog. Maybe that will teach her a lesson not to let too much time go by before fan-girling her sis. I hope having a baby makes me look this cool someday and comes with a crown (I’m not kidding).

Sorry. It’s a tiara. (Is it Tiar or Tiara?)

The people at work call it a Tiar; if you’re family, you call it a Tiara.

Thanks for letting me know.

Knowing Kelsey, she’d probably rather me post a picture of her noodie that she thinks she looks good in, than one like this where she doesn’t. Although I think she looks pretty and adorable and sweeeeet!!! Unfortunately for her, I don’t think she got noodie at the shower for the baby. If you did, please send me pics and I will edit this one out.

❀ ❀ ❀ love this picture of these ladies so much!

It makes my heart go whoop! ❀ ❀ ❀

Big Fat Baby Boy


Listening To This Now (In Part)

Vocal Recording 1

I’ve started doing these with myself. This is actually number like 17 or 18 technicallllly but the other ones I was recording kind of for the fun of it for myself, more-so for self-entertainment and reflection and clearer understanding of certain things I found intriguing, they might be really boring to you. THIS ONE MIGHT BE REALLY BORING TO YOU. HAHAHA. Lol. But that never stopped me before.

This is the first one I did for this blog. πŸ™‚ We’ll see how they go. They are kind of fun for me, I like doing a new format. ❀ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Blue keeps farting in my face…

Whoops. The fumes made me forget to actually post the recording.

Let me see how this works…. Let me see how to do this.

Thank You Guys So Kindly

for the reading

i was just up all night fishing with my pal. he always makes me laugh so much and i don’t have any idea why. he drives me crazy and i love him so much!!!!!!!!!!! just wanna bite him and melt all over him and snort him through my nose.

i am now headed off into dreamland after a dreamy shower and washing of my hair which always feels so good YEAH!!!!! YOU JUST GOTTTA LOVE IT


Do You Ever Just Realize

how cool is your skin

how cool is your arm



This Shirt Makes Me So Happy


yes that is pizza

My Beautiful Baby, Who’s 4


He’s meditating on his birthday


the most perfect boy in the world. his birthday is the greatest day for me. one of the best days of my life. so happy this day four years ago occurred. best day ever. best day of my life. best dog in the world, best dog ever in the history of being, best dog ever in history of existence, best dog ever in the world, best, best, best, best, best, best, best. best dog at being four. best four year old ever. best four years of my life. best 73 years yet to go.

Wow Guys

There really are no words.

I don’t know how to say it and I don’t know how to put it into words.

Oh firstly here is how my hair turned out.

In that last one I had to make sure it was just that I had a dirty mirror and not a dirty shirt.

Anyway. I’m really happy with that but that’s like so old news I took those pictures hours before I just am only having time now to post.

So I went to my friend’s shower and I was like perfectly on time (for me, it was perfect) and I showed up and… Firstly, okay, let me just say I was excited to go. I mean, I don’t really get excited for things until they occur, but I was envisioning positively. But firstly, I took forever getting there because today the weather was PICTURE PERFECT and I love being outside so much that I didn’t want to go and sit somewhere inside. I figured I’d probably be like, “Okay, I’m leaving now………” just to get back outdoors.

I am happy to say… I can’t actually say the words but let me say, I was wereong. Or something like that.

No really though it was OUTDOORS under a beautiful white tent so that was my first wish come true– I got to spend all day outdoors.


I had NO Idea this was going to occur. But second. I showed up and this fucking amazed me; this fucking BLEW me away. I show up and my friend JESS PHILLIPS is there who I haven’t seen in a year and a half, and before that, SO fucking long. And I had JUST had a dream about her and this girl named Marie sometime last week. And it was kind of one of those things there, I’m not on social media, I’m really bad with keeping up with people. I think of people all the time with love, but I kind of tend to just keep to the people who are physically within my life, in terms of keeping up with people. It’s not ever any lack of love; I just follow the path of least resistance and I’ve always kind of been like that.

So I see Jess, who I’ve known and been friends with since seventh grade (same as the girl whose shower it was) and then I see the ONE girl I expected to see there, who was also awesome. I only figured I’d know like, one person there. Then I see my friend named Justine, who I’ve known since FIFTH grade, and who I also had NO IDEA was going to be there and I probably haven’t seen her since some Phish show on lot in like 8 years.

Then I’m freaking out over seeing Jess and she tells me Marie is on her way. By the way, Jess has lived down south the last basically ten years, Marie has lived in Philly and New York, and Justine is now in Key West. So these people are like, traveling around and all this shit, I genuinely kind of never thought I’d ever see them again unless our paths randomly happened to meet. I thought it was cool and random Kelsey even invited me to her wedding because I love her so much but as I said I haven’t been the best at keeping in touch.

Plus my friend Mia, who I have kept in touch with to some degree from seeing her at hot yoga several years back, was also there.

So anyway.

Jess tells me Marie is coming, which really freaking blows my mind because as I said, I had a dream with both of them in it last week. And also, okay Jess is friends with one of my oldest friends Jackie, who also got married just a few weeks ago, and Jess is showing me pictures of Jackie’s wedding, which, out of everyone I have ever known, Jackie is one of the very few people whose wedding pictures could actually get me to be choking up, and I asked Jess to send me the link to Jackie’s wedding website thing from the photographer because I want to look at them more.

When I’m sober. Which is happening soon…

I basically am; it’s just the day drinking that’s getting to me because I am such a lightweight to begin with, let alone middle of the day. But I had so much fun I can never complain about that. I’m feeling really good now.

So Jess is showing me pictures and I am beside myself with joy, plus seeing Kelsey and her sister. Plus seeing their mom, and Jess’ mom. Plus seeing this girl I had never met before but who is super sweet.

So THEN FUCKING MARIE shows up. And let me tell you. There is no way to describe Marie. I have always said this about Marie and I’d say this about any of the people I just named, but honestly there’s just something about Marie that ANYONE who has ever met Marie will agree with me on, she is just completely one of a kind and herself and SO ridiculous you cannot help but love Marie and you have never met anyone anyone anyone in the world who is quite like Marie. I never thought that I would see her again, but I honestly always had such a deep place of love in my heart for her, always. I even wrote a blog post about her and a compliment she gave me (my Kanye is coming out) I will link it to you here.

But she has been someone who has, even though we have never spent honestly a whole lot of time together in terms of via comparison (I’m stealing that from another old friend) other people, she has always been someone who I resonated with on a really soul level, and like, she just totally… I don’t know how to explain it, there is no way to explain it, but she has always been magical to me and there’s something about her that my soul really loves. IT SOUNDS CHEESE as FUCK but it’s true. I can’t explain it but I am just so in love with Marie. Probably a piece of everyone who’s ever known her is.

So Marie shows up with fucking Veuve Clicquot; which, I happen to know that I adore from my cousin’s house at one Christmas party when I fell in love (with it, and also with being so drunk and KNOWING I wanted to have a baby, like STAT). And…

SO Marie is just always going to be NYC Audrey Hepburn to me for life. I just love her so much and the ENTIRE party was amazing. Being outside drinking champagne and pink wine with my friends under a white tent in June on a sunny day having fun, like, it doesn’t get any fucking better than that.

I came home and I was just telling my neighbor, you know…

I am a very loner person. I LOVE people but I often prefer to be on my own. I just have a head full of these imagination and dreams and I enjoy being by myself and off in my own world. There’s very few people in the world who can flow in and out with me like that and always kind of feel like they belong. And I appreciate and enjoy that about myself.

That being said, and I think BECAUSE of that precisely, it really blew me away seeing all of these girls today. And feeling like… kind of being reminded of some part of my past, that was a pretty big part of my past, especially since I never went away to school. I still made friends in college, but when you are commuting, it isn’t the same. Plus I always had a solid boyfriend who was my main thing, always. I feel like when people go away to college, a lot of times their college friends outweigh their high school ones, but because I never did that, those people I went to high school with, kind of always were the last of the clique in my mind.

And also… I think the craziest thing for me of all, was having this complete intersection of my life then and my life now. There is something indescribable to me, and I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like it, but you kind of can’t if you’re staying caught up with people all along.

But to somehow have this coalescence of your past and the life you are living now, where these people KNOW you and they GET you on some very deep levels, they watched you growing up, and somehow, you can fall right back into place and fall right back into being yourself, and it’s also the self that they know, and at the same time, you’re on a totally different tangent from now to where you were then. It’s amazing, in a way, to see that I AM the same person, exactly the same person, completely at my core, and also, I’m so different in so many ways, but ultimately, deep down, I am the same.

I am the same in the way you’re the same from day one until the day that you die, and I’m different in the way that you travel the country, and move through state to state. But you’re still in the same car.

It’s crazy when you’re talking with people and they can be mentioning things up from the last ten to fifteen years, and it is pertaining to you. And you could never even have remembered it, were it not for them bringing it up.

People who know you as if it’s in a dream. I don’t think I could feel that way if I talked to them often, and I love the fact that I’m so free, in a way, from any restraint of maintaining any friendship in the external realm, because I’m more content with living my own life. However. Today it reminded me just how intrinsic some of our relationships are. I truly feel now that for the rest of my life, if I didn’t already know it, these people are my friends. I had never given it any thought before, but knowing it now, I feel so appreciative and so blessed that I have these people in my life, if even from afar.

It was amazing to have this feeling of… yes. We do share a past. But also feeling as if they resonate with and understand me and who I am now, and into the future. All of this may sound really, incredibly weird, and I don’t mind if it does. It isn’t really about them at all; it’s about me. And it’s about me feeling SO happy and blessed (I’ll stop using that word now, I swear) that I’m still the same me and I’m still the same person who always I am, and I can still be THAT person, and also be everything that I still want to be.

I’m not saying that ANY of this matters. I’m just saying, that to me I had the experience that it does. I went into that with some preconceived notions and some certain ideas, and some things I was going to say, and instead I was blown away by feeling my own honesty coming forth from within me because I was opening up on some level to people who genuinely loved me and had an interest and wanted to know. And met me where I was. It was something I never, ever expected. It felt to me like those friendships were deeper all along than for which I had ever given them credit, and that was an amazing thing for me to behold.

Here is Marie.Β IMG_8579

She’s so amazing and this picture will never do her justice in any way but here she is and I love her and I think she is amazing in so many ways.

I’m still maybe SLIGHTLY feeling the effects of the fermented grapes I slugged down today HOWEVER I will edit this after I shave my neighbors head and get some McDonald’s food. OH ALSO I HAD THE BEST MINI CUPCAKE EVER OF MY LIFE TODAY TOO I’LL HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THAT IN A LITTLE BIT.


Cutting This Mane Then Party!!!!!


End Of The Day

Driving around and sunset ❀ ❀ ❀

My friend is having her bridal party tomorrow so I went and got balloons tonight. There’s something I have come to love so much about balloons lately, and I think it’s because they fly and I find them really cool.

Katie’s fur looked awesome blowing in the breeze.

Tonight had a kind of magical feeling; today was really weird, in a really good way, and I don’t know how to put my finger on it but I feel like great things are ahead.

I hope you have a wonderful night and wonderful day tomorrow. But I’m sure we’ll talk more then. πŸ™‚