Okay this is the final edition for tonight because I’m only halfway in my flow and I don’t want to subject you to too much sub-par writing, but I also want to get this down and I’m not going to do it in my usual fashion because it’s midnight thirty and somehow I’ve basically been sitting in front of this thing for four hours, which, is actually awesome because I’ve totally been in the flow and I really freaking love it. Anyway there’s some other kind of writing I want to do after this that isn’t for the blog but I do want to say what I’m going to say now before I sign off for the night/day/whathaveyou.
So. The point being… Oh yeah, about everyone and everything being spiritual. So, I didn’t read a lot of my stuff from the last several years of writing but I read a little bit and some of it I still totally agree with, and a lot of things, I’ve changed. My understanding has shifted in totally new ways and at the same time, the underlying understanding has, ultimately, been the same.
I totally forgot what I was going to be writing about in this post. Hold on. (This what I mean about not being in the flow. Not that I mind writing at all, but when I’m really super in it, I never have to stop and think about writing or what I was going to talk about or say.)
I guess it’s like, have you ever done something, and looked back on it, and been like, “Wow. I totally knew what I was doing.” Have you ever had that feeling where, like, YOU inspired YOURSELF?
Because I have to admit that I have that feeling a lot of the time. Sometimes it feels like I knew MORE things in the past, in some ways. And that runs contrary to what… to what I WANT to believe to be true, because I believe that every day has the potential to be THE best day of your life. And I can honestly say for me, most days, I find a way of finding that to be true. Even if nothing outside of the ordinary APPEARED to happen, basically, every single day, I am further knowing myself, and further growing, and the things that really matter to me, in terms of knowing and understanding myself, no matter what appears to happen externally, that growth is happening and I can see it.
I often feel that I am challenging my own ideas and beliefs so radically within any given day (my idea and perception of time has changed a lot, too, to where, I don’t really even think so much of it anymore and I can’t really quantify it within my own experience and I’m not trying to sound loop-de-loop or philosophical at all; it’s just time has drastically changed for me). And my favorite thing in the world is when I have a thought I’ve never thought before. That is just absolutely incredible. And to see the way I’ve grown within my mind from three years ago or four years ago, to now, is really, fucking, incredibly cool. I am in some ways, the same person, and in some ways, a lot different, but the core of me is definitely still the same.
(And yet different). 😉
So when I was looking back over that writing, I felt inspired by myself. Looking back over my life, every single time I have ever let myself go for what I wanted, I am inspired by myself. There are a handful of days (or more) I can tell you, that I can recall, that are my absolutely MOST magical days and every single one of those days that stand out to me the most in my life are the ones where I was so happy and so light and so believing in myself, and I let myself have what it is I most want. One of them is the day I got my dog. (To be fair, my sister drugged me in order for me to somehow allow that whole thing into place but, I technically set the ball rolling BEFORE I got drugged so. It still counts.)
But all of the greatest days of my life, the ones that have played out so perfectly like in a film, except I couldn’t have orchestrated them, even if I tried, all of those days have been weirdly 1.) Me just going with the flow and 2.) On some level, me believing in myself and believing in the value of me having what I want, and letting myself go there. Expecting for myself, things to be good.
When I look back over my life, those are my all-time favorite moments, and those are the moments of which I’m the most proud, and they would never register for any kind of outside accolade, but I can honestly, truly say, they mean more to me than any kind of external validation or prize that anyone else could give because they were like direct validation and prize from my higher self, if you want to call it that, to me.
And I guess, without me even meaning to, that’s kind of what I was saying before. Something I have learned which is really, really cool, is that what we want matters, and that our preferences are real, and that we are living in this life to be being ourselves and part of being ourselves ends up being that the things that we want, and the things that are true to our hearts, just come. And all of the best things in my life, have always come to me without my trying at all. All of the best things in my life have been like happy accidents and even if they were things that I specifically SAID that I wanted, the timing and the way wasn’t my work. The timing and the way, was orchestrated by means way outside of my control. But the point I’m wanting most poignantly to say is this.
Something I’ve learned that is maybe my favorite thing I have ever learned, and I don’t know if I was really knowing it when I first started writing this thing (but of course on some level I did) is this: [everything I said above and] the fact that when you know what you want, and you trust and relax, and you let things take their course, and you just have fun and do the best you can, and be the best version of yourself and the truest version of yourself you can be, it lines you up to be in the right place at the right time. And for all the saying that, “Having things doesn’t matter”– it doesn’t– and it doesn’t make you happy– but I have NEVER in my life, EVER, EVER, EVER, felt closer to “god” or whatever you want to call it, then those times where I’ve known what I wanted, maybe years before, maybe weeks, maybe days, maybe hours, but I’ve known on some level, what I’ve wanted, and I’ve found, literally, magical forces coming together, to somehow, beyond my wildest dreams, deliver me those things that no one else in the world had any way of knowing, except for some kind of higher power who had to have known me.
So, for all the talk of “materiality” versus “spirituality”, I say to you, it isn’t true. Because the way that I’ve known “god” or again, I just use that word cause I’m a sucker for one syllable but how I’ve come to know the power of the universe and the goodness of that thing, is when I’ve had a dream, and with a power beyond my imagination, things have culminated in ways that have shown me that there is a higher thing at play, and that what I want, matters, and that I’m valued and I’m loved by means beyond compare. And I don’t mean to be cheesy, but that’s the way you feel when things happen when you’re like “Holy fucking shit; I didn’t even tell anybody I wanted that, and how is this person here and what the actual fuck?”
There’s so many times in my life where I couldn’t explain the series of events and THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD is someone who isn’t even in the world, it has to be some sort of dead family member or Jesus or something who I’m talking to, and I’m like, “You little fucker!” Because the sense of humor is immense when things line up and you’re just like, looking around, like, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” When shit is that good and you’re like, literally speechless.
That is life. For me, the higher power of the universe speaks to us through materials and people and circumstances and things. And that’s how it shows us when we are in alignment. I guess the other thing that I was going to say is that, thank you for reading this. It means the world to me. I would still be writing probably if no one was reading (anyone who texts with me can attest to that). I’ve played for crickets many a time. But it does mean a lot to me that there is anyone out there, because it makes it that much more fun. And so many times I’ve said, that, I can go off, as long as there’s a person there. Sometimes it’s when I imagine a lack of an audience that it’s hard for me to want to write, and it’s like, well, I’ll just say it to myself. Which… I do. And it’s fun. But it’s even more fun to have real, live, somehow, people, behind the screen, so thank you, that’s pretty freaking cool.
Also I feel sometimes like creativity is contagious like. I don’t know if you ever feel this way but, I’m not musical at all, which is why I fucking love music. (I don’t really like to read that much, ironically). I love music so incredibly much. And anyone who has lived with me has had the immense pleasure of knowing that I tend to listen to one song day in and day out, only that one song, until I’ve killed it and it’s dead.
Catfish And the Bottlemen- “7”, if it were on a cassette tape, would have been basically blurred out by now. That DID actually happen to me with my radio recording of MMMBop back in like ’97 era.
By the way, when I saw Catfish a couple of weeks ago play that song live, I’m not kidding you– well, I won’t even get into that. That’s another story for how things always line up, in a myriad of ways.
By the way, I saw Larry.
“Okay, I still don’t know who he is, but cool.”
If you haven’t seen them play that live, you haven’t lived. My only regret of that show was that it wasn’t outside because you can jump higher on grass than concrete and also I needed space to avoid hitting people within a ten foot diameter.
But I DID see Larry.
(Larry, I saw you.)
I want to show you a picture of Larry but you’ll just have to google him yourself.
He calls loads of smoke in for a living.
ALRIGHT. Enough of the inside jokes with myself. (Sorry about that.) I mean, I’m actually not because there’s a backspace button I could have clearly used.
Alrighty. I think we’re about finished here.
Just google it. Just google Catfish And the Bottlemen “7” live. Any live version will do. The one in which she faxes him, is probably the best, but any one will do.
Also I will tell you probably the most surprising thing of the show for me.
Besides the fact that I didn’t wash my hands when I peed (which WAS surprising because my rule is always wash your hands in a public bathroom, but I’ll explain later.)
Was the fact that when they came on stage (and this is always my thing: I think that half of the excitement of a live show is just the fact that you’re seeing these people in real life, whom you’ve only ever seen being like half an inch tall on your screen, and it’s this really weird phenomena where you know them, but you don’t, and you’ve never even seen them bodily in person, but you know them, but you don’t, and then you FINALLY see them real-life and in person, and it’s really freaking weird, like some surreal, other-realmy experience. ANYWAY. MY POINT BEING.) when they came out on stage I was actually really kind of blown away by the fact that Van, I always resonated with because he acted like me and in interviews he gave a lot of answers I agreed with or would have said myself and yada yada. Some days I’d see an interview with him and want to scream at the screen, “VAN MCCANN STOP STEALING MY ANSWERS.” Or he’d say thing’s I’d already said, verbatim.
So I was really into Van. I felt like I really knew him already. But I have to say, when they came out on stage, I was really into Bondy! And Bondy is so great, I mean, in all of the interviews, and on stage, Bondy halfway MAKES the band. But at the same time, he never SAYS A GODDAMN THING. Which is why he’s so charming. But it was so weird, when they were out on stage, for some reason, if I felt like a ‘friend bond’ with either/or I might have had to choose Bondy! Like, if you felt like if you were in a room, who would you have gone and talked to or who would you have ended up talking to? I kind of felt that way the MOST with Bondy.
But then again, who knows. I’ve always loved Van and I’m sure we’ll all be friends someday but either way. EITHER WAY, you gotta love Larry.
Larry calls loads of smoke in for a career.